Good morning, avid students of the truth, this is just in:  CIA WARNS PRINCE DRUM SON OF DOUBLE-DRUM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA OF THE PERSIAN GULF STATE OF GUTTER that he must stay away from sharp objects.  According to Anthony Shadid and his dancing partner wife, NADA BAKRI, of the NYT,  newly-appointed CIA Director General Petraeus has sent an urgent warning to the prince after learning that he inflated to three-times his normal porcine size upon listening to the interview with Dr.Assad in Syria.  It is reported by scotch-whiskey-slugging, hard-drinking BBC reporter, Jim Muir, that with Dr. Assad’s each answer to each question, His Royal Obesity began to “plump” up.  Some dismissed the burgeoning phenomenon as “being force-fed too much Syrian Hummus”.  Notwithstanding that, after a visit by His Regal Corpulence’s personal physician Dr. Baldur Hasenpfeffer, he was lifted by a winch out of his bed and taken on the rear bed of a “lorry” to the nearest hospital in Doha, aptly named: PRINCE DRUM HOSPITAL FOR BLOATING DISORDERS.   

According to Shadid and wife, Bakri, CIA insisted that all sharp objects be avoided “lest His Royal Portliness explode like a giant, plastic hippopotamus”.  “Qatari” doctors, all from Pakistan or South Africa, are trying to deflate the prince by “reverse intubation”.  This is a great crisis for the people of Doha who remain in the dark about the condition of their chubby, now elephantine, prince. 

At the State Departmen, spokeswoman Millicent Snortly, remarked that the prince was “a linchpin for American hege…I mean, security in the region, but, that his eating habits were a domestic issue for Gutter”.
She suggested that the prince stop eating Syrian dishes although she understood that Persian cooking was even worse for the expanding monarch.  It is reported, however, that eating Arabian Peninsular food made the prince “apoplectic”.  Some have suggested that an American cafeteria cook (read OLD COUNTRY BUFFET) be imported to prepare appropriate “comfort foods” as an alternative.  One wag at the American naval base in Doha said that the prince needed a good swig “of KFC gravy” to get him over this crisis, “Them damn muslims gotta eat pork”!, he expounded.  How insensitive.

Allright.  I was wrong. Dr. Assad gave an interview, not a speech, as I wanted.  I will deal with this issue shortly after I finish this onerous task with which I have been importuned by a client: Translate an illegible marriage document from Arabia.