August 28, 2011 – Mercury News Service exclusive. PRINCE DRUM SON OF DOUBLEDRUM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA of GUTTER (a/k/a Qatar) has relapsed into what one member of the “royal” family called: “Menacing fatness”. You recall that the bloated prince was released from hospital last week after he was treated for a lethat form of abdominal inflation occasioned by President Bashar Al-Assad’s interview with SyriaTV. It appears that the latest UN report which failed to find any “humanitarian crisis” in the country upset the prince so much that he started to “self-burgeon”, a condition medically called AUTOFLATONISTICBARNUMEA (after the late, great circus impressario, P.T. Barnum). The prince’s personal physician, Baldur Hasenpfeffer, cheerfully commented that the prince “will be flown this time to Deutschland for treatment on Saudi King Abdallah’s personal Hercules transport”. Efforts to fit the prince on a normal civilian airliner failed when one of his buttocks refused to negotiate the threshold of the entryway. An employee of British Airways in Doha remarked tartly that “we don’t want him to explode like William the Bastard, do we?” The Syrian foreign ministry issued a statement wishing the prince a safe “deflation” and announced that all salafists have now been arrested. We will be bringing you an update as soon as facts are available. Hurbisson Snyde-Roofflashing reporting from Malta.
Mercury News Service (Beirut) – A demonstration took place today (1:30 p.m. Damascus time) in front of all four embassies of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Qatar and Kuwait demanding that no diplomats from those countries return to their posts. This comes after the Syrian Air Quality Directorate confirmed that the foul odors which cast a pall over the capital were not due to smog or industry, but, instead to the presence of the Saudi, Bahraini, Qatari and Kuwaiti legations. Dr. Hanna Abi-Hnein, Syria’s Assistant Surgeon General in charge of the National Self-Awareness Programme for Personal Hygiene, stated by telephone that “the Arabians’ failure to properly cleanse their bodies over a period of years, the build-up of human waste residue and the exasperating bedouin habit of believing that bad smells are salubrious, has brought on this miasma in the capital city.” Mmmm. Asked what can be done to alleviate the stench, Dr. Abi-Hnein rejoindered that: “An American-style self-cleaning auto wash might work if combined with a weekly regimen of ammonia lavages. That’s what I think. It’s going to take a while. I’m not optimistic.” Viringia Dummbuffskaya from Beirut.
Mercury News Service Special Report: Lady Catherine Ashton, who is believed to be the EU’s Foreign Affairs Suprema, has succumbed to the “vapours”, the feigned loss of consciousness common to the British female aristocracy and Southern American ante-bellum white ladyhood. Her remarks before losing her balance at a Hague International Court cocktail party were in response to the announcement that the UN Investigative Committe found no humanitarian crisis in Syria and that the government had only used excessive force: “Oh my gosh, Cyril, we’re going to sound like idiots now. Damn Americans….” Whereupon she fell into the arms of Sir Cyril Cruikshank-Cuspidor, England’s caterer to the very, very rich. Sir Cyril, never one to avoid a press conference, said: “I am saddened by the events of some hours ago. This comes also on the heel of People Magazine’s announcement that Lady Ashton is this years `Most Boring Person’. Very sad, really. My condolences to Lady Ashton’s relatives. I know she has some.” Ali Vali-Guzfand (Hague)
HELPFUL HINT: Here’s how you can spot a Syrian salafist supporter: Just tell him that the demonstrations in Syria are coming to an end. (true) He’ll tell you that its not true and put on a glum face. It is guaranteen to work. Maronite Lebanese from Kesserouan have the same reactions.