September 19, 2011 – We failed you yesterday.  The prize awarded Pedophile Extraordinaire Prince Khalifa Ibn Mutakhallif was the “Henri Pharaoun-Liberace Certificate of Appreciation”.  Please correct any records you may have kept. ZAF

There’s no news from Syria other than the inevitable fact that the unrest is almost over.  There’s some arrests to initiate against die-hard grunge still secreting themselves in dank alleyways around Homs; but, in all, they are being flushed out like rats and dispatched with razor-like efficiency.  Even the BBC with its jaded, self-righteous correspondents mouthing reports as though marbles were stuffed in either cheek, couldn’t come up with a story.  So sad, really.

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE: From Berlin, our correspondent, Swindley Kosciusko Valdemar:  Just confirmed today, a warrant has been issued by Berlin Investigative Judge Detlev Mehlis (Mickey Spillane Award Laureate for Detective Fiction) for the arrest of Prince Drum son of Doubledrum Husband of Madame Banana, Ruler of Gutter (a/k/a Qatar), for Grand Theft Napkins.  The Arabian potentate, known affectionately as Prince Fatso, and not so affectionately as Prince Fat-head, is formally accused of stealing linen napkins from the Berlin eatery called “Chez Niesen” on the KaiserWilhelmStrasse which caters to wealthy people from oil-rich nations of the Persian Gulf.  It is believed that Prince Fatso is hiding in the Guttery Embassy awaiting resolution of this matter.  Reports are that the Guttery First Lady, Madame Banana, is on her way in a state-owned Boeing 747-B to negotiate with the German authorities.  It is also reported she is carrying an unusually large quantity of baggage some of which is loaded with currency and “a boatload” of the prince’s favourite candy: Bonamo Turkish Taffy (banana flavour, of course). 

Gutter’s Ambassador, Prince Majzoub Ibn Al-Tablayn,  has issued a statement denying any wrongdoing by Prince Fatso, calling Judge Mehlis’ charges “baseless” and “typical of the kind of slipshod work we have come to expect from German fiction writers”.  Evidently, according to employees at Chez Niesen, the prince was seen “trying on” the napkins on his head and ostracising his aides for not providing better quality “ghutras” for His Highness.  Erich Von Den Kowalski, the restaurant’s sommelier summed the prince up as: “a real veerdo mit, you know, sehr hungrig, eh, eh, eat so much, but sehr schlechtgekleidet, you know, wearing his bett-sheets all day.”  He went on ruefully, “he started to schtuff our servieten into a bag and got up to leave without paying his Recknung, I mean, bill.  When we asked what in ze bag, he explode and accuse us of serving pork to him. But, you know, he ate everything.”  Asked to continue, the sommelier added: “His little boy, a blondisch Knabe, paid the bill.  I think he is his son.” When told that the prince had no blond-haired children, but kept a stable of underaged orphans from Eastern European countries to satiate his lust for deviant activities, the employee screamed out:  “Was? You mean he is one of those?”  We in the crowd of journalists nodded our heads in both assent and shame. 

With Madame Banana’s arrival, it is expected that bilateral relations will be discussed.  The report of the incident has now reached the New York Times which has promised: “livid and surreal coverage of the event for its readership.”  Editor Jill Abramson confirmed that the Times would be there to compete with all other European publications for the most “pungent reporting” and has threatened to assign Anthony Shadid to head the rapidly-forming team to cover the story.  This might be a problem, of course, since Mr. Shadid is believed to be receiving payments from Prince Fatso for his fictionalised reporting about Syria.  We shall continue our objective coverage when new events transpire.