September 5, 2011 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE.  Algernon Hoare-Hogg, special to MNS, London.
At a glittering gala event in Beirut today,  the Trustees of the SyrianPerspective Foundation for Excellence has bestowed the Annual MICKEY SPILLANE DETECTIVE FICTION AWARD on HERR RICHTER JUDGE DETLEV MEHLIS OF GERMANY!  Far and away the most impressive author of pure fiction, Judge Mehlis’ accomplishment comes, however, in the context of an actual mandate from the United Nations Security Council which is putatively a serious world body.  Judge Mehlis, the respected chief investigative judge for Berlin with a reputation for bombastic Teutonic Romanticism and sentences which always end with ten verbs, was appointed formally by the UN to undertake a full investigation into the assassination of former Lebanese Prime Minister, Gazillionire, Saudi brown-nose freak, friend of imperialists, roommate of President Jacques Chirac and ENEMY OF SYRIA AND HIZBOLLAH,  Rafik Hariri and companions on February 14, 2005.  (Resolution SC-1595, April 7, 2005).

In prose reminiscent of Robert Ludlum with factual detail described by learned Oxford literary pundit, Chick Bartholomew-Hasselfree as “somewhere between Jonathan Swift and Gene Roddenberry”,  Judge Mehlis wove a tale of treachery so malefic that hard-drinking, leather-visaged, iron-gutted, thick-skulled, rock-loined journalists wept simultaneously in a lachrymose torrent of unbridled orgiastic revery unrivaled in the history of pettifogging prose.  Professor Abdul-Dullard Aziz Abi-Bodkin of the prestigious American University in Beirut stated in his speech:  “No judge has ever written a report with so many glaring errors assumed as fact because they were written by a German white man for sick orientals.  In the entire history of the Levant, no generals went to jail for four years without charges being levelled against them.  Not even during the Ottoman reign of Jazzar Basha or Judge Qaraqoush have the rights of accused criminals been trampled upon so efficiently as though goose-stepping Wehrmacht “soldaten” were hired for the task.  Generals Raymond Azar,  Mustapha Hamdan, Jamil El-Sayyed and Ali Hajj were eventually released after spending four years of their lives at the Roumiyyeh Prison without indictment, arraignment or even charges!  What brilliant fiction writing!”  Monseigneur Jean-Petit Abu-Ikhranki of the Chtaura Maronite Diocis for Lebanon and the Whole Bloody East All the Way to Antioch weighed in with:  “Judge Mehlis must be forgiven for his devotion to narrative fiction in the genre of detective thrillers, even if some others paid the price for his devotions.  It is the way and the will of God.  This is the best of all possible worlds.”  He was roundly booed and driven from the podium by visitors from the Bronx in New York who regaled him with extremely wet raspberries. (Bronx Cheers)

In the audience sat General El-Sayyid who has filed a lawsuit against Judge Mehlis.  He was seen gritting his teeth, frothing at the mouth and uttering sussurant invectives whose meaning we shall avoid in this article. It is sufficient to note that the curses had to do with the human reproductive process. El-Sayyid’s lawsuit is reportedly being dismissed for lack of jurisdicition since Judge Mehlis lives in East Berlin. Judge Mehlis did not appear to receive his award: a lifetime subscription to Ellery Queen Magazine, Mad Magazine and the National Enquirer.  This year, the trustees have also awarded a subscription to the New York Times whose own niche in the world of fiction may be addressed next year.  Judge Mehlis did not return our telephone calls or e-mails.  He is reportedly nursing a ‘BIG KOPFWEH”.   Congratulations Judge Mehlis.