October 5, 2011 – MERCURY NEWS SERVICE CULTURAL INVESTIGATIONS SPECIAL. By Archibald Scruffmaster.   The Persians have a saying whenever something seems too good to be true, or someone is delivering almond-scented sweets (arsenic), or when the odour of conspiracy is in the air:  IT SMELLS OF BRITISH!  Now, you might ask: How about “It smells of German”.  All that would mean is something is “complicated and expensive to repair”.  “It smells of Italian” means nothing more than a Mediterranean person has b.o. on the bus.  The British, you see, for centuries have been perfecting the art of treachery with the deligence of North American beavers or army ants.  Their successes have been so notable in this arena of social interplay that the Persians of Iran began to notice that whenever something cataclysmic happened (while expectations were otherwise), an Englishman inevitably appeared somewhere in the aftermath of the catastrophe – often offering to help. Iranian scholar Manouchehr Guzfandiari-Bozorgeh-Kharr of the Baluchistani Institute in (well, Baluchistan!) claims that the frequency of British “evil-doings in our area coupled with the common man’s natural instinct, created a kind of programming that enabled Iranians to smell the presence of British plots.”  How well studied is this?  Apparently this curious ability to emit “pheromone-like mist” whenever an Englishman was scheming or conniving has been declared “conclusif et absolut” by French author and columnist for the weekly Parisian magazine “FOU”, Vercingetorix DeMarzipan.  “We French know more than anyone else the, how you say?, cleverness of those people across the channel.  We too are victims of it.” We took this matter to the University of London where Orind Smythe-Blacklustre is an instructor in “Anthropology and Anti-British Fables” and asked him pointedly: “Is there any truth to the Persian belief that English politicians impart to all things they do a certain trademark odour, which when uncovered,  displays deviousness or craftiness?”  The educator looked down at his pince-nez ruefully and remarked:  “If I were to tell you that Arsenal wears jerseys with `Emirates’ on them, what would you think, mmmm?”  In conclusion, there was no means by which this interesting cultural insight could be proved or disproved and left this doctrine-like belief in Iran and France.      

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE – Gertrude Schonfleisch-Zumacher reporting from Giza, Egypt.  Newly appointed U.S. Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta, has just received word that he is to receive the EMMETT KELLY CLOWN OF THE DAY MEDALLION for his innovative use of tired old tricks such as “The Syrian government has lost its legitimacy”.  Fresh from his gloriously ghastly slaughter of international terrorist champion Usama Bin-Laden in Pakistan and the conscientious subsurface explosion of his corpse according to the strictest tenets of Wahhabist Islam,  the proud Italian-American quondam spook and Beltway Apparatchik was seen receiving an “idiot card” which said: “Now say: The Syrian government has lost its legitimacy”. The honour comes with a ledge-friendly statuette of Ronald McDonald,
a Frank Sinatra LP titled: Here Come the Clowns (another Italian-American); three VCR recordings of the Best of Jingles the Clown  and Milky the Clown’s Personal Anthology, and an engraved wooden medallion with the face of Emmett Kelly in sad-face.  Italian diplomat Orfeo DelaContagrosso-Melancholia who attended a ceremony with Egypt’s military troika commented: “You knowa, panetta, ameansa `littla bread’ in myeh lingua.  It alsowa ameanza `smalleh brainseh”. Signor Orfeo was seen receiving ten Euros to leave immediately. Congratulations Secretary Panetta!.

We here at SyrPer are concerned that RECEP TAYYIP ERDOGHAN OF TURKEY is not the democracy-loving, Euro-centric, populist leader of a “dynamic, energetic, muscular” Turkey bent on flexing its muscles for the betterment of the Middle East.  We see Mr. Erdoghan as a MUSLIM FANATIC; A CHRISTIAN-HATING, ALAWI-BAITING, KURD-EXTERMINATING hypocrite remnant of that much-despised Ottoman Sultanate which is partly responsible for the miasma that has settled in the Levant.  I will have more to write about this two-faced back-peddler in due course. 

ZEINAB AL-HOSSNI IS ALIVE AND WELL.  Al_Jazeera and Al-Arabiyya reported that a young girl in Homs was kidnapped during Ramadan by thugs belonging to the Syrian security services.  And oh, she was tortured and cut into pieces.  The only problem with the reports is that she appeared on Syrian television yesterday with her i.d. card and said that she disappeard because of an argument she had with her family.  Her family is visibly delighted to know that the Arabian liars were humiliated.  OH BOY!  We here at SyrPer kept warning you about the WAG THE DOG scenario and how PRINCE PUDGY AND MADAME BANANA were trying to manipulate the news.  The BBC, especially, should be ashamed of its reportage which targetted secular Sunnis, Christians and other minorities in Syria. Schade, Schade!  There will be a day of judgment.  Ziad Amin Abu Fadel.