October 18, 2011 – I have to send this to the BBC:  My wife just spoke to Sumayya in Fayrooza, a small town outside Homs, who said that Syria is now sending in special forces to deal with dug-in savages who appear to be “end-of-days” fanatics.  Homs has already sent emissaries to the president asking him to put an end to the lawlessness the brigands and murderers have brought to the city.  If the truth be told, Homsis are not known for any radical views.  In any case, so many lies have been exposed now in the media concerning Syria that the population is beginning to warm to the government even more than before.  The cheering news of Zeinab Al-Hosni made a big difference.   News of anarchy in Yemen, Egypt and Tunisia, have done a lot also to awaken the people to the stark reality of the Arab Spring.  It’s no spring at all.  It’s just a lot of noise and economic free-fall. 

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE URGENT REPORT- Billiana Copraphagiotis reporting from Beirut.  Foul odours in Beirut have the residents up in arms with some calling for the removal of the sitting president, Michael Suleiman.  It appears that Lebanese environmentalists have confirmed what the Syrians have been saying about the air quality in Damascus.  Since the withdrawal of the Saudi, Bahraini, Qatari and Kuwaiti, delegations,  the cleanliness of the air in Damascu is 400% better than before.  The Lebanese want the same for their capital and are demanding the removal of the “smelly” Arabians.  Patrice Abu-Ghawwara has condemned President Suleiman for his “elitist attitude” in that the government provides him with state-of-the- art masks which purify the air he breathes whereas most Lebanese must suffer the sulfur-like stench always emanating from the embassies of the Arab countries mentioned earlier.  This reporter attempted to visit the Saudi embassy in Al-Achriafieh but was thwarted by a wall of mephitic smells resembling the gaseous eructations of Mount Vesuvius or the latrines in Riyadh at the peak of summer.  After successfully making it back to Aleyh, a resort in the mountains above Beirut, where the air was remarkably clean,  an effort was made to call the Saudi embassy.  A doorman answered, his voice interrupted constantly by retching and heaving of the abdomen; he screamed: “The Arabs, they won’t bathe or touch themselves.  They are encrusted with filth!”  The speaker then fell to the ground with a loud thud.  I could hear a gasp of air seemingly coming from the doorman.  I asked our concierge to call the police and report the incident. 

Parliamentarian Dibb Abu-Dibb of Sidon reflected on this phenomenon with a pipe in his hand.  Sitting on his veranda outside his seaside chalet near Sidon, he said: “You know, we in Lebanon have to put up with these rich smelly people.  They’re always buying land and bringing these bad odours to our country.  But we need the money. So we pinch our noses and bite our tongues.  Until today!  The damn Saudis and Qataris have found some new way to intensify their smelliness by rubbing themselves with Camembert Cheese and Durian.  Why they do this we don’t know.  But our government must kick them out.”  President Suleiman has sent a private message to King Abdallah the Lazy of Arabia in the hope that he take steps to force his diplomats to bathe at least once per month, an effort that seems to have failed in the past. Ambassador Khawal Bin Bawwal, the Saudi representative in New Delhi, commented that “We don’t like to touch ourselves or have anyone rearrange our skin.  Our Wahhabist religion prohibits any and all self-touching.  So we smell.  But it is a good smell that is pleasing to Allah.”  When asked in what part of the Qur’an it is provided that one cannot touch oneself,  he retorted:  “Our Wahhabist religion is not based only on the Qur’an, or the sayings of the Prophet, May the Prayers of Allah and Peace Be Upon Him, or the commentaries of the Commentators, May they be Blessed and Made Holy by the Grace of our Great King Abdallah the Lazy, but we also have the writings of Abu Kook!  May his Soul Enter the Kingdom of Heaven and be placed near that of Allah.  His writings are most sacred and known only to a few of our Sheikhs, May the Benison of the Prophets Be Dumped Upon Them in an Erect Position.  He states very clearly that bathing is an ‘ACT OF THE DEVIL FOR IT IS THE DEVIL’, May He be Cursed and Delivered into the Flames of the Convection Oven Awaiting all Sinners.  Bathing is sinful because it makes one clean for only a short time and then one must continually bathe instead of worshiping the Great One, May the Great One Bestow upon us All the Knowledge we Need to Understand the Reason for Ignorance!  Instead of bathing, we worship.  It is sufficient to clean the elbows, Blessed are the Elbows for they Bend before Allah, and forehead, May Allah Kiss the Forehead of Every Muslim during Prayer,  before prayer,  May Prayer be made all the Better by the Fruit which is Promised in the Afterlife. It is the way of Allah.” 

Justin Filbriar of the U.K. embassy was asked to comment on Ambassador Bin Bawwal’s peroration and said:  “We can’t say anything.  The emirates have a lot of money in our football teams.  We just grin and bear it.  I have seen this Saudi ambassador, but not up close.  Only on close-circuit telly.  You know.  My physician warned me about certain allergens, especially around that embassy.”  Our investigation into the “Smell Scandal” surrounding Arabians of the Peninsula will continue.