October 12, 2011 – SyrPer has just received its first classified ad from the Syrian National Transitional Council’s/Dhimmis Recruitment Divison:

“TO: ALL SYRIAN MINORITY MEMBERS INCLUDING ALAWIS AND CHRISTIANS – The Syrian Transitional Council is recruiting any member of Syria’s minorities for honorary membership in the Syrian National Transitional Council.  Due to the appearance of islamism in the Council’s present make-up, it was decided to recruit honorary members of the “kafir” groups to give balance to the council.  Only passport carrying Syrian citizens accepted.  No educational requirements.  In fact, the less education the better.  Recruited members from the Alawi and Christian sects can expect 500.00 Euros per month paid by the French government.  Members can also expect appropriate political positions in the new Caliphate if it ever comes to existence.  Occasional media appearances may be required.  To be a Dhimmi, you must be a true Kaffir!!  Apply at the L’Academie Des Dhimmis Syriennes, 230 Rue Normandie, Paris, France.  Its the chance of a lifetime. It might be a job for a lifetime.

MERCURY NEWS SERVICE – EXTRA EXTRA – Allene Erubescent reporting from Doha.  Prince Fatso of Gutter, whose real name is Prince Drum son of Double Drum husband of Madame Banana, has re-imploded after hearing that a huge demonstration in support of Bashar Al-Assad drew almost one-half million citizens in the Damascus city centre.  Dr. Baldur Hasenpfeffer was at his side and said: “Oh, will those horrible Syrians go away!  It is not possible to send the prince back to Germany because all whaling boats are now on the high seas.”  The news was brought to him by Madame Banana herself amidst a national scandal involving the First Lady and the Chiquita Banana Company whose lawsuit has prompted scornful remarks directed at her.  Qataris who are addicted to “bananas” now refer to her derogatorily as “CHIQUITA”.  The Chiquita Banana company is suing on a contract for damages naming the Qatar Ministry of Banana Consumption as chief the International High Court for Tropical Fruits and Chocolates.  The company’s lead attorney, Orwald Twiddly-Tungsley,  at the Hague commented on news of Prince Fatso’s repeated implosions:  “It’s not really our concern.  His Highness has always had problems with bloating.  Our bananas have nothing to do with it.  We insist that the Gutteri government pay for the 30,000 tonnes of fruit we delivered on time.”  Bananas are the most important staple in the oil-rich emirate with natives often found sleeping on Chiquita Banana crates in their own bedrooms.  More on this as events develop.   

MERCURY NEWS INVESTIGATIVE REPORT EXCLUSIVE – WE BLAST THE LID OFF THE CLAIMED ASSASSINATION PLOT AIMED AT SAUDI AMBASSADOR ADEL JUBEIR – Mercury Staff members: Entwhistle Ortt, Brunhilde Liebesbombe, Virtus Quaiynne-McStyrhe and Henrye Foote-Snyde reporting from Washington.  October 12, 2011 –  U.S. officials have made claim that the Iranian government is behind an assassination plot to kill Saudi Ambassador Adel Jubeir.  We think not! 

Many people have already pointed out that the story reads like a “Hollywood script” and have pooh-poohed the whole sordid tale.  David Mamet, famous screenwriter and director of such movies as “The Verdict”, “The Spanish Prisoner” and “House of Games”  has weighed in with the following comment:  “It is a Hollywood script and I wrote it.  It was going nowhere until this guy, Freundlich, told me he was going to borrow it for a while. Well, there it is..”  Mamet said he was going to sue Attorney General Eric Holder for copyright infringement as soon as his attorney, Melvin Weissenschnortt, returns from vacation. 

Mercury News Investigative Team discovers true identity of Mansoor Arbabsiar.  In a revolting turn,  Brunhilde Liebesbombe met with accused assassin Arbabsiar’s real wife, Lucy Gofftball, in Amarillo, Texas.  Her screen name in this drama is Martha Guerrero pretending to be of Hispanic descent whereas, in truth, she is the daughter of a German Lutheran minister, Hermann Von Gofftballe.  She stated to our correspondent that Mansoor Arbabsiar is the name given to him by DEA agents who wanted him to have a really mean-sounding “Iranian monicker”.Hmmm.  “His real name is Bruno Polumbo and he’s from Sicily.  I guess he kind of looks like them.”  When asked why he would go along with this patently transparent charade,  she said whimsically that: “Bruno is kind of like that.  He’ll do anything to make a buck.” 

The Zeta Cartel of Mexico plays a very important role in this hyped-up drama.  According to anonymous sources at the New York Times,  the Zeta Cartel is not even in existence.  “The government could have called it the “Bwana Don Cartel” and the public would have bought it”, said one of our anonymous sources.  The Mexican government which supposedly turned Arbabsiar over to Washington after his arrival at Mexico City’s airport don’t seem to have a clue about the entire episode.  Mexico’s ambassador refused to talk to MNS about the events and one employee at the Mexican Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Sr. Hernando Fernando-Colon,  appeared mystified by our questions. 

MNS:  Senor Fernando, what do you have to say about the Arbabsiar affair?
Fernando:  “I know notheeeng.  Zeees iz sawmteeng loco. Yanqui go home.”

MNS team asked:  Why Adel Jubeir, the Ambassador of Saudi Arabia?  Morton Drerichkeit responded that while “the Iranians have a veritable cornucopia of soft-targets in the Gulf,  the selection of Jubeir in the United States would be the kind of casus belli we’d need to launch a new war.”  MNS pursued this point with the following question:  “Do you believe the U.S. is planning a war against Iran?”  He replied with a grin on his face:  “Of course.  Obama can’t get anything done with the economy. He needs to get people’s minds off their suffering with a good old bloody war in the Middle East.  His advisors think it’s a great idea, really boffo, and the Iranians are excellent foils.”  When asked about the choice of Adel Jubeir as the victim, he remarked: “Oh, he’s just another ^%$#$$$$%licking camel jockey.  We keep him going by providing him with some Baltimore stevedores for some sex thrills. He likes playing the rape victim.  It’s all in fun, of course.”