November 7, 2011 – Another Monday. Many of you are writing to me asking about the various names for the Gutteri prince and his brace of incestuous spawn. It is only fair that you know everything in order to discuss the tubby tyrant with intelligence and refinement. After all, isn’t that why you all read my blog?
His real name is Hamad Bin Khalifa Al-Thani. Hamad is an ordinary Arabic name meaning “one worthy of praise”. Bin means “son of”. Khalifa is his father’s name whom he ousted in a minor coup d’etat in 1995. The name khalifa means “successor”. Al-Thani is the tribal name which means “SECOND RATE”. That’s right: the portly prince is from a second rate tribe. Some would suggest that his tribal name should be “Al-Thaalith” or Third Rate. Some prefer a more radical descent down the numeral chart.
He is also known as PRINCE TABL BIN TABLAYN ZAWJ AL-MAWZAAYA or PRINCE DRUM SON OF DOUBLE DRUM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA. His wife, (honest to god!), is named Banana! Because the prince (let’s be honest) is as fat as the Hindenburg dirigible, he has also garnered other monikers: Prince Fatso, Prince Tubby, Prince Pudgy and Prince Pork!
The atom-sized nation he rules with Banana (Mauza) is called Qatar, Gutter (vernacular), Catarrh (preferred) and Ghatter. Along with Abu-Dhabi, Sharjah, Dubai and other enclaves of listlessness, Qatar is a ranking member of the United Arab Emirates. Qatar is known for hosting the next World Cup in the capital of Doha although Qatar has no team of its own and boasts temperatures so high in summer that analysts fear there will be more ambulances than people.
Catarrh tries to play a regional role far larger than its size could rationally support. But money is the name of the game. Catarrh is floating on significant oil and natural gas wealth which the shiftless citizenry had no role in either finding, creating or producing. Gutter has been declared by the Epicurus Society of Dudgeonhole, Scotland to be “Land of the Laziest People on Earth”.
Don’t listen to that inveterate liar and MI6 creation, Rami Abdel-Rahman. Four deserters were killed yesterday in Homs after elements of the 4th Division of the First Army Group surrounded them in the Baba Amr quarter and sent them straight to the furthest reaches of hell. Some reportedly surrendered. I don’t know how many. They will face charges of desertion, dereliction of duty, treason, sedition and poor judgment. IT IS THE POSITION OF SYRIAN PERSPECTIVE THAT THEY BE PUT TO DEATH AS SOON AS THE SENTENCE IS PRONOUNCED. THOSE IN UNIFORM MAY BE SHOT. THOSE OUT OF UNIFORM SHOULD BE HANGED. Once again, let me repeat: Do not turn over their bodies to family! Cremate the remains and crush it into a fine dust. Then deliver the goods to the four winds. This way, there can be no post-mortem mutilation as we have seen in some staged stories of fictional horror. Zeinab Al-Hossni, for example. It is the only rational way.
Nabil Al-Arabi, Secretary General of the boring and inept Scarab League, has warned Syria to abide by her agreement to pull out armor from certain cities; to release prisoners; to allow observers in to the country; to allow reporters free access to stories OR FACE CATASTROPHE. YAWN! No, Mr. Al-Arabi. Syria will not expose citizens to armed gangs or seditionists from the MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD. The Syrian government is duty-bound to protect the people. But let me tell you what the catastrophe is: SYRIA IS THE CORNERSTONE OF THE ARAB LEAGUE AND ARAB NATIONALISM. THE CATASTROPHE WILL BE YOUR LOSING SYRIA AND POSSIBLY LEBANON AND IRAQ. Go fish, Mr. Al-Arabi.