SECOND POST FOR NOVEMBER 30, 2011 –
MNS URGENT REPORT – Vonda Sublime reporting from Hatay, Syria (occupied by Turkey). COLONEL AL-AS’AD NIXES DEAL FOR FRENCH NIGHT VISION GOGGLES. In an unexpected move by former Syrian colonel and neo-traitor, Riad Al-As’ad, the Cheaper Syrian Army (formerly the Free Syrian Army) has rejected a French offer to deliver 2,000 night vision goggles made by the Dom Perignon Group, Ltd in Epernay, France. Le Figaro, the French magazine, first reported that Quai D’Orsay had green-lighted a proposal to give Mr. Al-As’ad’s 100-man unit all the night vision equipment needed to permit them to enter Syria and perpetrate acts of slaughter and mayhem. But, (Col.) Al-As’ad contacted the local Sheikh, Mahound Baba Merzifonlu, to ask for “divine guidance” in the matter and was given instead a fatwa condemning the deal as one devised by the evil “infidel winemaker” (al-khammar al-kafir). It is reported that the sheikh believed wearing the goggles would “intoxicate” the “muhaheddin” (warriors) and make them fall into the hands of the Syrians with subsequent effects on their admissibility into Heaven.
(Col) Al-As’ad addressing a gathering of goatherds in Hatay and announcing his rejection of the French offer to deliver night vision goggles because they were forbidden by Shari’ah law In this photograph, he is wearing an officer’s tunic from the local Robert Hall.
The Sheikh was unavailable for comment but his “deacon”, Efendi Baltaci, confirmed that Islam forbade “the use of infidel-manufactured weapons, especially those which give off the smell of intoxicants.” A frustrated (Col) Al-As’ad could be heard swearing to an associate in Arabic: “Well, then, what the blazes can we do now? What are we to use? Islamic BB guns?”
Above, is the only known photograph of Sheikh Merzifonlu sporting a sword made in Taiwan.
This reporter trying on the goggles while staring at my cameraman, Wolf Mittwoch, falling asleep on a used camel diaper.
MNS REPORT FROM PARIS – FOR THE THIRD TIME, SHAPUR BAKHTIAR AND SALAHUDDIN BITAR SUMMON BURHAN GHALIOUN TO JOIN THEM IN HELL
Assassinated former P.M. of Iran, Shapur Bakhtiar, and assassinated co-founder of the Baath Party, Salahuddin Bitar, (both killed in Paris by unknown assailants) have communicated once again through Ouija Board maven Florence Swill, summoning Paris-based Syrian dissident leader and chairman of the fantasy group, the Syrian Transition Council, to join them in Hell for tea.
Bakhtiar in a post-mortem appearance on television at the Ritz Hotel in June, 2011
Bitar, always, spiffy in his Bulgarian-cut worsted suits, also appeared in an eerie incarnation on Channel 6 TV in Marseilles on the same day.
Burhan Ghalioun once again rejected the invitation to tea in Hell citing his recent invitation to German Hauptmann Rolf Kissenkopf’s birthday party in Bernkastel on the Mosel River.
Reminded by his wife (reported to be working for Syria’s Air Force Intelligence Bureau) that he had a serious heart condition, he shrugged his shoulders and walked away. His last words to her: “Tu va obtenir riens de mon testament, toi catin!”
MNS EXCLUSIVE REPORT – MATTEL TOYS SIGNS DEAL WITH TURKISH FOREIGN MINISTER TO PRODUCE NEW DOLL CALLED “CUDDLY CREEP”
Allene Cetacean reporting from New York – Its final and binding. Turkish foreign minister Ahmet Davutoglu has signed a contract to allow Mattel Toys to manufacture a new doll before Christmas called the “Cuddly Creep” in the United States. In England, the doll will be called the “Cuddly Wanker” and in Canada, the “Cuddly Coot”. Australia’s Mattel Branch is planning to market the doll as “Ugly-Oglu”. Good luck Mr. Davutoglu in your new career as a plastic doll for people with the minds of prepubescent boys and girls.
Foreign Minister Davutoglu at a Turkish Chile All-You-Can-Eat contest in Konya