March 6, 2012 – This is this week’s mind-crushing brainteaser.  See how well you can do with the following ten questions. You are allowed only two hours and can use a piece of paper and pencil. Don’t forget, we’re watching.

1.  Archibald Leach is related to Donovan Leitch through what ancestor?

a.   Sander Levin the Elder;
b.  Both are descended directly from leeches in the Niger River;
c.  Silas Marner, the miser;
d.  Donovan Archibald, the Mayor of Nottingham;
e.  They’re not related, stupid. One is Cary Grant and the other is that silly Irish singer.

2.  Florida and the Kamchatkan Peninsula have something in common, what is it?

a.  They have more Jews of Russian descent per square mile than any other place;
b.  They are both home to the 2015 Summer Olympics;
c.   They are both famous for their navel oranges and juice industry;
d.  Both are home to the famous Siberian Grizzly;
e.  Both are flaccid appendages dangling down at the ends of continents.

3.  A Gallows Bird is a species of what avian creature?

a.  Why, it’s the Raven, of course;
b.  The Hemp-eating Black Bird of Capri;
c.  The Jackdaw;
d.  The Noosegizzardswallow;
e.   It’s not a bird.  It’s just a person who ought to hang, dufus.

4.  Who is the sitting French President of the French Republic?

a.  Gerard Depardieu;
b.  Nicolas Sarkozy;
c.  Charles Aznavour;
d.  Pepe LePew;
e.  None of above.  Sarkozy is Hungarian, not French.

5.  Alan Turing is one of the 20th Century’s greatest mathematicians, why?

a.  He was gay. Everybody knows gays make great mathematicians;
b.  He solved Zeno’s paradox with his “dense sequences” solution, which makes no sense;
c.  He’s really not that great.  Wittgenstein said he was great because they were in love, yuck!
d.  He discovered Turingen Cheese, which is why he’s great;
e.  He unlocked the Enigma Code (along with his partner,  Giaccomo Proscia).

6.  Stalin considered Spam to be the savior of his army.  What was Alpo Dog Food?

a.  Stalin fed Alpo to 30,000,000 gulag residents and saved their lives; He really appreciated that;
b.  It’s what he fed his enemies before torturing them to death at Lubyanka;
c.  It was his favorite accompaniment to Georgian vodka.  He called it Georgian haggis;
d.  He fed it to Svetlana, his daughter and earned her eternal animosity;
e.  It’s the Soylent Green of the Stalin era.  He fed it to his people. It was made of____?

7.  Bertha served magnetic dip at her cocktail party.  What’s the recipe?

a.  You get some RCA tapes from the 80’s, mix in a blender and add mayonnaise;
b.  Three magnets added to Schuler’s Bar Cheese with some extra horseradish;
c.  She brought seven Korean table dancers and had them “dip” before the guests;
d.  It’s any dip served in a magnetic bowl with lead spoons;
e.  It’s the angle that the earth’s magnetic field makes with the horizontal plane at any location. Oh, yawn.   

8.  Very few men have been able to swim around the world, who are they?

a.  Swindley, Pozzo, Rinaldho, Frumpkin and Abdullah;
b.  Weissmuller, Barker, Lewis, Crabbe and Lincoln;
c.  Endicott, Estragon, Bandicoot, Flybegone and Rootsnail;
d.  Giap, Chek, St. Exupry, Rongeur and Esther Williams;
e.  Lot’s of people have swum around the world, silly.

9.  Sean Connery almost lost the role of James Bond for one reason, what was it?

a.  He was so hairy the depilatory almost erased his face;
b.  He was a declared homosexual with no interest in his co-star, Ursula Andress;
c.  He had too much interest in his co-star, Ursula Andress, and she sued for sexual harassment;
d.  He was a cheap Scot who wouldn’t even tip the valet at the studio entrance;
e.  His brogue was so thick, even the British director couldn’t understand him.

10.  Hitler had Skorzeny rescue Mussolini because:

a.  Mussolini was a great chef and Hitler really liked his marinara sauce;
b.  Hitler was that kind of fella, a good friend, who would never leave another in the lurch;
c.  Mussolini knew what made Eva Braun really sizzle;
d.  Hitler wanted to show Italians that they were slow, lazy, greasy morons compared to Germans;
e.  a, c and d, above.

The winner will be announced next week when the president of Qatar Airways returns from his bender in Thailand.