In this photo taken by our cameraman, Huffley Snorton, Chicago acolytes of the Great Guru Proscia demand more funding for time travel.

(Ingemar Dander reporting.)  In a snub to all the G-8 and NATO members, Guru Proscia denounced any meeting that does not include his “insular republic” and the “masses” who revere him.  Touting a new philosophy titled “PROSCIANISM” and a new ‘DIALECTIC’ of temporal physics he calls “PROSCIA-DECELERATION IN PROSCIA TIME-VACUUM”,  Guru Proscia stood on the embankment of the Chicago River and lambasted the “filigreed philosophies of foetid fops”, and the “vulgar vacuity of villainous varlets who vilify the virtuous and….VAVOOOM!”,  he concluded sagaciously.  (As a note, the Guru whispers to an assistant who then blurts out his Holiness’ pronouncements.  The Guru is extremely sensitive to accusations of “crude accent” and “unimaginative Brooklynite drivel”) 
Our reporter caught up with the Guru and a flock of worshipers who were demanding “Time Travel Now!”, and asked the Bearded One:  “Have you had any of your people actually travel in time?”  His answer was soft and assuring; he smiled, almost like a shy cupidon: “Can’t you see how few of my followers are here?  Ain’t that proof positive that my people are populating vast oceans of time?”
We sat with the Guru surrounded by ten of this followers. (Note: His followers were remarkable for their obviously excellent physical condition.  Some looked rather thuggish, actually, and kept frowning at this reporter). 
As the Guru spoke,  his chauffeur, Kumar, began praying for all those “souls” now visiting “portals in space described in: ‘PROSCIA-TIME”. 
MNS:  Is it true that you are now advertising your ability to send people into different stages of history through a time machine, of sorts?
GURU:  At our new time-travel headquarters in French Guyana, we can deliver the goods.  We now have the ability to send whole groups of people into desired moments in time.
MNS:  Stephen Hawking has called you a “quack” and a “purveyor of porn-Physics”.  How do you respond to his criticism?
GURU:  Ask him if he wants ta settle da issue like a man.  I’ll take him on and prove my theory is correct. I’ll beat the crap out of ’em!  Like where does he wanna meet?
MNS:  As you know, Mr. Guru, Dr. Hawking suffers from Lou Gehrig’s disease.
GURU:  Yeah?  Lou Gehrig played ball.  Let’s see what that little weasel can do!

Stephen Hawking has been vociferously dismissive of Guru Proscia’s “Axioms of Time” and described the “shaman” as some kind of “quack from Star Trek” and a “Bloated Blimp of Baloney”. 


MNS:  Well, that’s rather unlikely.  Dr. Hawking is confined to a wheelchair.  That would hardly be a fair way to settle your dispute.

GURU:  Yeah?  Okay. I’ll take him on in a leased wheelchair.  That’ll be a fair fight, right?  Hey, Kumar! Go and rent me a wheelchair.
KUMAR: Check, boss.
MNS:  Please. Guru.  Can we discuss your revolutionary theory of time.  Could you explain….
GURU:  Hey, I’m not done yet wid-dat li’l limey.  Did you know he’s, like, a sex freak?  Well,  did ya punk?!!  I once owned a “place”, like, in Bathgate an’ dat slimebag’d come in like he was Chef Boyardee er sometin’ like dat an’ he’d putz wid da gals.  It got in yer papers, right?  
Yes, it’s true.  Dr. Hawking was espied frequenting numerous nude dancing clubs in New York and London.  One of the locations was, apparently, managed by Guru Proscia in a previous incarnation.  
 MNS:   Um, yes. I remember covering that.  But could you tell our readers what it is about your theory of time that makes it possible to manipulate the vast layers of temporal ‘infoldings” for travel?
GURU:  (Speaking through his assistant)  First, you must understand that time does not exist.  It is only a notional corollary to motion which can be reconstituted both phenomenologically and physically.  It is with the physical that we have been able to send scores of people back or forward into time.  It is with the phenomenological that we’ve been able to manipulate time and stretch it out. 
MNS:  Stretching time out.  Good grief!  What does that mean to the ordinary layman?
GURU:  It means we can now extend life by changing the mere perception of time.  Instead of living in the rat race, like in New York City, where you start the day and then, Poof!, it’s gone.  Then, before you know it, you’re in the hospital with some doctor telling you how long you got to live.  Dat’s for the boyds…Ooops…I mean for da birds. (Smiles innocently)……Anyways, I mean, we have a way to change dat..I mean…that. 
MNS:  But, how can you do that?  What is the mechanism?
Guru Proscia uses Florsheim shoe polish to affect the image of a real Guru from the Sub-Continent.  He paints his forehead with Avon “Tramp”toenail varnish and uses a “speech therapist” to express his “ideas”.  The Guru is, actually, an Italian-American born in Brooklyn, N.Y.  He also claims, on occasion, Russian Jewish ancestry to explain his “genius”.
GURU:  Like I said before wid dat udder reporter, you gotta give up all your goods to the Ashram.  After that, we send you to one of dem lazy countries.  India, Cambodia, Congo…things like that.  We found that starvation has a way of making the day last longer in the minds of our followers.  Starvation extends life!  
MNS:  I have heard that you also send your penitents to Equatorial Guinea.
GURU:  Hey, who you callin’ a “Ginny”?  Kumar! 
MNS:  No, no.  I mean, the country.  I’m frightfully sorry if I offended your Holiness.
GURU:  Just watch it, okay? 
MNS:  But, the Big Question must always be: How do you travel through time?
MNS:  But wait! Isn’t that where Jim Jones and his followers committed mass suicide?  What’s the difference?
GURU:  (A wide smile)  First of all, we don’t use Kool Aid.  We don’t use the spice Melange.  That’s all fiction.  And there’s no mass suicide.  As a Ph.D. in chemistry from Harvard,  I’ve developed “THANATOPICZYKLONEVAPORATIONVANISHINGCREAM”.  It works and sends all our people to the time zone they want.   
MNS:  Have there been any failures?  Anybody go to the wrong time zone?
GURU:  Yeah, one religious guy picked the the Garden of Eden and wound up goin’ to the bottom of a volcano. That was a bummer.  Most of the time, we get it right.  
MNS:  But what if they come back?  What do you do when the elixir does’t work?
GURU:  We give it to’em again until we get it right.  Right?   
(MNS coverage of the Guru’s visit to Chicago will continue)

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He mocks us. You know what must be done.