POST 3 – JUNE 5, 2012 – A PAID ADVERTISEMENT BY ZAFTIG-CUISINE OF BAVARIA. The staff of SyrPer do not necessarily endorse either the product or the philosophy which is the subject of this paid advertisement.
STOP LOSING WEIGHT!! STOP DESTROYING YOUR BODY!!
With every day that passes, new diets are flaunted by irresponsible purveyors of false fantasies. All promise to reduce your body weight as though the process of de-obesification is a desirable one. What they don’t tell you is that the more you lose weight, the more likely you will disappear from the face of the earth – a wisp of ash will be your legacy as you constringe into a porous ball of cellulite without visible shape or form……… It does not have to be that way.
We at ZAFTIG-CUISINE of BAVARIA, control over seven laboratories in which intense research has been conducted into the chimera of weight loss. Our researchers have found that the concepts of obesity, happiness and beauty are interlocked and indivisible.
Are you sick of BEFORE AND AFTER commercials which extol the whittling down of the female human frame from a full, robust shape into a seedy, misshapen, bony mannequin fit for a Japanese POW documentary? Of course you are.
And isn’t it sickening? The before looks a lot happier than the after. And there’s a reason for that.
Now check this out, ladies:
Look at the first picture and compare to the second. It is obvious to anyone, that the curvaceous girls in the second far exceed the first in beauty and charm. Yet they are the same women. Why else would they parade themselves on a beach? Incidentally, the fourth woman, in the green outfit, is none other than Mercury News Service award winning journalist, BRUNHILDE LIEBESBOMBE! She got on our program and now she weights an incredibly scrumptious 487 lbs!!! What beauty!
When you sign on to our programme we will send you by BEAST-EXPRESS, EACH AND EVERY DAY, an entire animal for you to devour!! We’re not talking about a cat or, even, a large dog. Our programme only provides traditional beasts of burden and even some wild animals for the adventurous woman. From oxen to camels, from heifers to walruses…every kind of oleaginous meat fit for our finest customers. And we guarantee quality. If any of our meals fails to satisfy your every desire, send it back in the self-addressed, stamped Tungsten-plated cage in which the beast was delivered and we’ll send another by RAPID-EXPRESS!! You lose nothing – especially the weight!
In study after study, it has been shown that “flab” means “survival”! In 2003, we tested the survivability of women of differing shapes in the Antarctic and found that “THIN” meant DEATH!! Of the 16 women whom we left stranded 600 miles south of McMurdo Sound, only 10 survived and all were members of ZAFTIG-CUISINE! The others weighed, at first, 125 lbs on average. They lasted only two days and collapsed unconscious. Death was confirmed 24 hours later as due to exposure. But not our Zaftig-Cuisine Clubettes!
Elsie Barphstahler explains how she was able to survive in the Antarctic at a Tupperware party
Stories of women surviving naval catastrophes brim with adulatory words for obesity. It has been proved at the United States Naval Academy that human fatty tissue is a natural flotation enhancer, enabling rotund humans to float effortlessly in the water whilst other, SKINNY TYPES!, either drowned or succumbed to the elements.
Thumbelina Cownoffski of Yonkers, New York, enjoys one of our signature Suet Cakes a la Mode. She was one of the lucky survivors of the Circus Cruise Lines disaster of 2003.
But more than this is the ever-lurking issue of physical attraction. In tests given where the participating males had to identify themselves, 99% claimed to “prefer” women between the weight classes of 110 to 127 lbs.
But when the tests were given to them without the requirement of identification, a whopping 88% preferred women between the weight parameters of 298 lbs and 450 lbs! Men prefer women of substance – not bony, scrawny, wilted, emaciated crones!
Mortimer Smedley, an English mortician vacationing in Florida, was very clear about his “predilections”:
He stated by testimonial: “It’s funny how much more useful plump women are. Why, my wife, is very useful. I found that I had no need for our Futon Mattress while she was around. I simply laid myself down on her and went straight to sleep.”
Don’t be fooled any longer by carnival barkers hawking their worthless snake oil. Fat is in! Skinny is out! Call us today at 1-877-410-0000 and enroll in our CRISIS PROGRAMME. You don’t have to be a bag of bones any longer. The artist, Fernando Botero, made it very clear:
AFTER Well! Don’t waste any time and call now for an appointment with one of our highly trained “obesiologists” for a complete evaluation. Time is of the essence.
(The foregoing infomercial represents the products and philosophies of the advertiser only. SyrPer and MNS explicitly deny any connection to Zaftig-Cuisine of Bavaria or any of its affiliates: Bloated Boat Cruises, Brazen Swine Clothiers, St. Augustine of Hippo BBQ Sauces, or Elephanta Colognes. The receipt of 4 tons of Zaftig products at our headquarters must not be interpreted as an endorsement of Zaftig merchandise.)