THIRD POST – JUNE 6, 2012 – SYRPER’S WEEKLY MIND CRUSHING BRAINTEASER. This week’s prize for the winner is a one year free lunch coupon to La Cochina Ristorante y Taqueria in Vancouver, British Columbia. No note-taking allowed.
1. Irish, Canadian, Kentucky, American and Scottish are all:
a. White people with funny accents;
b. Slave owning southern trash;
c. Types of bacon;
d. Really lousy cuisines;
2. Bela Lugosi’s real name is:
a. Bella Abzug;
b. Bella Pizza;
c. Bella Donna;
d. Bela Buttinski;
e. Bela Blasko.
3. The word “Detroit” is derived from what word?
a. De Toilet;
e. De Streits.
4. “Tora, Tora, Tora!” means what in Japanese?
a. Behead the sushi chef!
b. Onward Shinto soldiers;
c. “Happy is the Bluefinned Tuna”;
d. “Toyota, toyota, toyota!”
e. Boring, boring, boring.
5. Humphrey Bogart is related by blood to what famous gay English actor?
a. Sir John Gielgud? Gielgud’s Brooklyn accent gives it all away;
b. Denholm Elliott? The resemblance is startling;
c. Cyril the Poof? Bogie kept this one in the closet;
d. Akim Tamiroff? His real name is Archie Bogart;
e. Dirk Bogarde? Both Bogart and Bogarde are from the Van Den Bogaerde family of Holland.
6. What was the cause of 70’s sensation Tiny Tim’s death?
a. He was lynched by a mob in NYC which used the strings of his ukulele to hang him;
b. Consumption. All great artists die of that;
c. He was trampled to death after singing the Star Spangled Banner to a crowd of yahoos in Texas;
d. Overdose of absinthe and mothballs;
e. Heart attack.
7. What do businessmen do in the Bronx when a person dies in their store?:
a. Pray over the body then put it in the nearest freezer;
b. Frisk it for unused heroin;
c. Urinate on it just to show contempt;
d. Slap its face while crying to demonstrate true compassion;
e. Wrap it in a cheap carpet and throw it in the rear dumpster.
8. When confronted by a one ton polar bear on an ice floe, what should you do?
a. Jump in the water and try to outswim it;
b. Play dead and the bear will inevitably leave you alone;
c. Throw snowballs at the bear; they love to play with humans;
d. Offer it a tin of corned beef from your haversack;
e. Shoot it dead with your Weatherby 500 calibre whale cannon, you idiot!
9. Boris Pasternak, C.S. Lewis, Moliere, Akira Kurosawa, Maurice Ravel, Edvard Grieg and Edith Piaf, all have something in common, what is it?
a. All are members of the Damascus Masonic Order;
b. All came out of my head in a “stream of consciousness” cascade;
c. Used laudanum;
d. Were bisexual, cross dressing, transsexual perverts;
10. Billy Jack, played by Tom Laughlin, spread his message of love and peace by doing what?
a. Selling tulips and chrysanthemums on the streets of Detroit;
b. Preaching from a pulpit at the St. Andrews Church in Detroit;
c. Adopting over 10,000 Vietnamese orphans;
d. Streaking through the U.N. General Assembly during Geo. W. Bush’s speech;
e. By beating white miscreants into a pulp with his hapkido method of martial art.