PRINCE SAUD AL-FAISAL DIES AFTER GERMAN SURGERY; BODY FLOWN TO MECCA FOR HAMSTERECTOMY
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE: Hotspur Fancybreast reporting from Tubingen with Ogden Orffe, MNS Wurlitzer Prize winning photographer.
It is now official: Prince Saud Al-Faisal has died after radical surgery in Tubingen, Germany, to end his life-long battle with spouting gibberish, stammering and howling in unison with wild dogs and hyenas.
Prince Saud Al-Faisal seen here welcoming his American bodyguard after an operation in England to replace his vocal cords with those of a Michigan coyote. (c.a. 2008)
The cause of death is complications from Stutterectomic surgery that necessitated the implantation of a new kind of prosthesis, to wit: a living gerbil. But the story is more complicated upon investigation. Apparently, the surgeon in charge of the operation, Dr. Trundl Tundertentronkh, mistakenly placed the wrong kind of rodent in the area between the prince’s sinuses and his hippocampus. The prince’s tissue type was found to be totally histocompatible with rodent tissue, or so it was thought! Dr. Tundertentronkh ordered an “appropriate rodent” from the sprawling Frankfurt am Main Nagetierherberge which was delivered in a timely fashion. The rodent hostel selected a Syrian golden hamster or mesocritus auratus syrianus, which experts thought would be “appropriate” for the luckless prince. It was a bad choice.
“Ven vee saw zeh little mouse, vee tink, keine Problem. But he became zo aggressive in zeh Prinz’s brain. He jumped gerade, I mean straight to ze back ov his head and begin to eat. Himmel!”, the good doctor exclaimed after the prince was pronounced dead.
This is the syrian golden hamster which was inserted into Prince Saud Al-Faisal’s cranium. The hamster’s name is “Hercules”. He was born in Der’ah, Syria in March 2011 to a litter of bucolic hamsters.
The prince’s body has been removed from the Tubingen hospital where he died and is being transported on halal ice in a Saudia airliner. His spokesperson, Yaya Abu-Mukhat, says that a Saudi surgeon would remove the “offending Syrian rat and send it back to Der’ah after an appropriate beheading”. It is apparent that the hamster “Hercules” is alive and well in the Saudi prince’s brain cavity. Mr. Abu-Mukhat also remarked in an aside that, “Maybe this is the work of the Syrian spies all over Germany!”. Hmmm.
Readers who are offended by the promise of the hamster’s beheading are encouraged to call the Saudi embassy in the city or country where they live. In the alternative, readers may want to contact “Rodents’ Rights Watch” in London. MNS is unable to process complaints regarding brutal treatment of animals or humans in Saudi Arabia. That would require more staff than those in the CIA.
Tancred Ogilvie contributed to this article.