FIRST POST – SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012 – THE ANNUAL TONY BLAIR LIAR OF THE YEAR AWARD SNAFU.
Last week, while your editor was posting the latest on the Tony Blair Liar of the Year Award Nominations, an officious, intermeddling knave knocked upon my door and implored me to give ear to his litany of complaints. I pressed the “save” button to no avail. My blog platform has clearly developed a mind of its own, hardly giving me a paltry ten minutes to extract myself from the unctuous clutches of this mephitic varlet when it peremptorily “self-pressed” the “publish” button leaving the readership in a state of pure befuddlement. When I learned that the machine had outwitted its master, there was no balm to soothe the roiling anger in my bowels and, so, I decided to go on a trip with my wife to our family’s dacha in Northern Michigan. I apologize for this machine’s audacity and promise to be more cautious in the future. In any case, here is the nominee as submitted by former (and future) prime minister, Gordon Brown:
DAVID CAMERON, ENGLAND’S P.M., is seen here before a meeting of the British-Indian Friendship Society in Manchester. The theme was “Ready for Chamberpots“. Other guests of honour were Salman Rushdi and Ravi Pottypottywallah.
It is hard to imagine anyone more deserving of the coveted LIAR OF THE YEAR AWARD than Mr. David Cameron. If being forced to do a “Georgie” at Eton for smoking marijuana is any indication of a future plagued with echolalia, so was his penchant for creative history. A Georgie at posh English colleges is punishment, of a lesser sort, consisting of writing the same line of a turgid foreign adage at least 500 times. And so, Mr. Cameron’s now immortal:
“WHY, HE’S SLAUGHTERING HIS OWN PEOPLE!”
which he has blurted out ad nauseam for the last 16 months. He has repeated this line so often that it has lost any meaning. When asked once in Surrey why he kept saying: “Why, he’s slaughtering his own people”, he stared at the reporter in wonderment and asked: “Did I really say that. What do you think I meant?”
Historians agree he must be referring to the English political obsession with Dr. Bashar Al-Assad of Syria who is in the process of fighting off English-American-German-Saudi-Qatari-Turkish-armed Libyan and Syrian zealots who aim to overthrow his government and replace it with a 6th Century Caliph by the name of Prince Drum son of DoubleDrum Husband of Madame Banana.
Mr. Cameron, often referred to pitilessly as “BABY-BUM-FACED DAVEY”, reacts here to news that Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad has offered the British Embassy in Damascus as a home for Julian Assange. One cartoonist for the Globe submitted that “Cameron is hard to caricature for the same reason it’s hard to draw a baby’s arse”.
With his Etonian-Oxonian-Baloneyan-Babylonian style of oratory, he has been able for quite some time to do what even Tony Blair could not —-conceal British obsequiousness in the service of American neo-imperialism. Blair was “Bush’s poodle”. Cameron is the “clipped tail on Obama’s derriere”. His lying for America is now a subject for a new Michael Moore documentary: “LYING FOR COLUMBUS”.
During riots in England when British coppers used excessive force against “democracy-loving” and “freedom-fighting” activists protesting tuition cuts inter alia, Cameron was accused of using techniques similar to those to put down demonstrations in Syria. Cameron responded with unbridled, breast-beating vitriol, denouncing “criminal behaviour” and drawing a somewhat bizarre line between what he was doing to crush dissent and what Dr. Assad was doing to squelch jihadist-takfiri-salafist terrorism.
In any case, good show Mr. Cameron! Your nomination has been accepted with much approbation. We look forward to the end of the year when the winner will be announced.