FIFTH POST – SEPTEMBER 5, 2012 – ALEX BEERPITCHER ASKS: IF ISRAEL ATTACKS IRAN, WHAT HAPPENS?
It is not often that we receive questions from readers while seated at a bar hoisting a libation at that merciful hour of 3:30 P.M. The Cocktail Hour……when ordinarily civilized people congregate to exchange kaleidoscopically muddled views to the caterwauling, cacophanous sounds of that one uniquely American perversity – that infernal machine – the blooming JUKE BOX!! As a Shavian Free-Doubter, I cannot sincerely wish death upon those who play it. I can remember their injuries, however, and exact retribution when I find them on the side of the road in need of a jack for their flat. I can throw the soap bar into the urinal when I see them rising to attend to some need. In any case.
Whenever someone talks about an Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear program, he or she is talking about a declaration of “all out war”. Whether the Israelis declare it or Iran reacts with such a declaration, this is the net result.
Let’s avoid questions about the feasibility of such an attack. Alex’s question is directed as though the attack would be feasible. Nevertheless, whether it succeeds or not is relevant to the depth and degree of such a war.
The players are the United States and the 5th Fleet docked at Bahrain. In addition to this are 150,000+ American soldiers remaining in the Gulf area to protect that epicene phylum of humanoid detritus – the Peninsular Scarab. Moreover, the U.S. fields over 400 aircraft in the region (some sea-borne, some at airbases in Catarrh), all equipped with the requisite ILM special effects consoles to maximize destruction and mayhem. Remember: “SHOCK AND AWE”……. Not this time.
IRAN. Much bigger actor than Saddam’s Iraq. Iran has cleverly multiplied its capabilities by looking at the map and realizing that one teeny-weeny passageway is necessary to deliver the oil to all those petro-addicted industrial nations which depend on the U.S., like junkies on their smackporters; like wasted, derelict harlots on their pimps; like grubs on the neighbor’s unwashed garbage barrel. I.E. THE STRAITS OF HORMUZ.
It’s like closing the Straits of Mackinac. One oil tanker and it’s $25.00 per gallon.
Iran has perfected a new strategy of “swarm attack”, meaning they have hundreds of small, but very fast, patrol boats which can neutralize the technological superiority of American battleships by overwhelming the latter’s capacity to acquire targets. The boats are equipped with anti-ship missiles and are crewed by devout and committed Muslim sailors who are prepared to enter Heaven by sinking an American ship.
Iran also possesses over 20 conventional submarines whose sole purpose is to sink commercial vessels in the Gulf or Arabian Sea. Iran’s own missile manufacturing capabilities are well-known. The missiles are sophisticated and can be expected to wreak havoc if used against Arabia or the Emirates. Unless the U.S. has some magical anti-missile technology, we are going to see the end of Arabian oil production for a very long time. Iran also has a vast arsenal of effective anti-ship cruise missiles. What the U.S. can do about these is mysterious still. SyrPer expects the entire 5th Fleet to suffer damage from these weapons. And, of course, there is Iran’s 1,000,000 man army.
SAUDI ARABIA – this paper tiger will not produce any defense and will rely exclusively on the U.S. and Britain to protect it. All reports about purchasing weapons from the West are red herrings designed to convince the population that the government is doing something when, in truth, it is merely depositing more of the Kingdom’s money in foreign banks for use by the uniformly despicable members of the “royal” family. All American jets, if any, will be flown by Americans or Pakistanis. The same is true of any British manufactured jets, like the Tornado.
ISRAEL – This illegitimate, counterfeit political entity made up of the dregs of European refugee settler society after WWII will be forced to defend against a wave of missile attacks coming from Hizbollah in Lebanon. It’s no secret that Hizbollah has over 45,000 missiles aimed at all parts of Zionist Occupied Palestine. The Zionist defense establishment will have to deal also with 30,000 or more Hizbollah fighters and over 15,000 Quds Force commandos (garrisoned around Syrian, Zabadani) who are tasked with infiltrating its borders and destroying “Israel’s” domestic infrastructure. These fighters will consume 85% of the Zionist defense capacity and will probably kill over 50,000 Zionists during the first two weeks of this war.
TURKEY – Any war with its neighbors will initiate action by the Turkish military against that patented idiot, Erdoghan. SyrPer believes that a coup is coming, no matter what happens, but, that the coup will be hastened if Erdoghan gives the order to attack Syria as part of some cockamamie plan to unseat Dr. Assad. The PKK will have a field day pursuing Turkish military convoys while bringing carnage all across the Turkish hinterland and Istanbul. Turkey must consider its many soft targets. This is one NATO action Turkey might want to avoid.
HIZBOLLAH – We have discussed their 45,000+ missiles. Hizbollah is believed able to field over 30,000 fighters if it calls up reserves. With the SSNP and other left-wing allies at the ready, the Lebanese government will fall and be replaced by a Shi’i-dominated Arab-oriented administration that will put the kibosh on Hariri’s organization and the Lebanese Forces. This is the end of Maronite domination and Sunni influence in the Lebanon. This is the coronation of the Fatimid Crescent in the Near East.
JORDAN – This hapless kingdom created by the British for the Hashemite dynasty as some consolation prize for losing the Arabian Peninsula to the barbarous savages in the Saud clan will be a target for anti-Israeli organizations. The biggest danger is the rise of Islamists who will take this artificial country back to the Iron Age, if they’re lucky.
QATAR – This embodiment of all that is repugnant to civilized people, a Mecca for pederasts and goldbricking catamites; this foul pustule on the hind of an aging leper; will be rendered EXTINCT by Iranian missiles. Prince Fatso and Madame Banana will make it to Diego Garcia and die there in exile, the “prince’s” bloated carcass floating like some beluga whale awaiting the tender ministrations of the parasitic sharks. No more natural gas. No more appearances on 60 Minutes. Just back to basics.
RUSSIA – This one is the kicker. I keep telling people there are a lot of battleships off Tartous. I know the nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, Admiral Kuznetsov, is there with a full load of MiG31B Foxhound fighter-bombers. There are around 600 special force marines now deployed in the area. They cannot be there because of a Vitamin D deficiency among Russian sailors. This one is a wild card. A confrontation with NATO could mean WWIII with China cleaving to Russia’s side. This is quite frightening. If Russia fails to act to defend Syria, it might mean that some deal has been struck with Moscow to leave port facilities at Tartous available to the Russian navy. I doubt this. Russia cannot afford to send this kind of message to her allies in Central Asia. Watch carefully as the scenario unfolds: China will send more ships to the region.
SYRIA – This is the cynosure of our eyes today. Syria is tied to Iran by a mutual defense treaty. When Israel attacks Iran, Syria can be expected to unleash a formidable wave of Scud B and Scud D missiles, some of which might contain VTX, Sarin, Anthrax or Mustard gas. All Syria’s WMDs are artillery-ready also. Syria’s use of WMDs might invite Israel’s use of its nuclear weapons. Syria’s army will step up attacks against the opposition in an effort to exterminate it – without regard to collateral damage. Syria will target Turkey’s 6 hydroelectric dams on the Euphrates causing an humanitarian catastrophe unseen since biblical times. Syria will call up all 500,000 reserves and increase its military force to 875,000 men in arms. The civilian population can be expected to tighten around the president during a time of foreign invasion and fight alongside the army in repelling the vicious American-led assault on Mother Syria. Syria’s four army corps will be activated and begin massive artillery attacks against the Zionist settler state. With Hizbollah and Quds Force fighters invading Palestine, you are seeing the end of this malignant tumor. It might by a Pyrrhic victory, but we will be finally rid of this chancre; this putrescent limb of colonialism; this mephitic pile of manure left on our doorstep by some Englishman.
Israel’s success in destroying Iran’s nuclear program is important. If unsuccessful, Iran will exploit the bragger’s seat and snigger at the Zionist failure. If the Zionist attack comes a cropper, I don’t believe that the Doomsday scenario depicted above will happen. We must also consider Obama’s run for office. How much contempt does Benjamin Mileikowsi (a/k/a Netanyahu) have for the American president?
I am ready to receive questions about this upbeat narrative.