Mercury News Service Urgent Report – Angelique Muldoon reporting from Ikaria, Greece. Asquith Bumstead from Nicosia, Cyprus.
German Foreign Minister, Guido Westerwelle, called it: “The most serious affront to Germany since the sinking of the Bismarck! More serious than Germany’s sinking of the Lusitania! More serious than the Anschluss!” Russia has retaliated for Turkey’s forced landing of a SyrianAir chartered passenger aircraft by intercepting a German cargo ship in the Mediterranean carrying over 100,000 litres of German Weizenbier and 60,000 bottles of spatlese wein donated by the city of Bernkastel to the German terrorist-enablers on the electronic ship docked outside Turkey’s southern coast – the SHPIONSCHIFF 123.
In this photo taken yesterday by our reporter, Asquith Bumstead, one can see the beer reservoir at the far right with the dome-like structure sitting atop it. This German ship is loaded with advanced eavesdropping equipment used to help Islamist terrorists fighting Assad’s secular army. Go figure.
The Russian navy, anchored at Tartous, Syria, was alerted to the cargo ship’s approach after it crossed the Aegean island of Lapatappatopolis and was communicating with the spyship by regular radio. Russian radio techs understood German and could hear the substance of the conversation during which the German spyship captain complained that the “….last shipment of beer was inferior. I don’t like that American garbage. We’ll keel-haul you back to Bremen if it’s not good.” The Russian admiralty was contacted immediately and messages went out to Iranian admiral Reza-Amir Guzfandiarzadeh who complained bitterly that his sailors were not equipped to deal with “such un-Islamic cargo”. This left the Russians with no alternative but to seize the vessel themselves under a flag of the Russian Federation.
In Moscow, Russian F.M. Sergei Lavrov, answered questions concerning the incident. “We informed the German Chancellery of the intended interdiction of the ship’s course due to a suspicion we had that it was carrying merchandise which had a dual purpose: one to provide alcoholic refreshment to the German sailors and another, more sinister, to enable those sailors to conduct military operations against Syria in violation of the U.N. charter. Our navy is now examining the contents and testing them vigorously. The German ship will be towed to Sebastopol for a complete examination.”
On the German side, Deputy Minister for Military Affairs, Obersturmbannfuhrer Achsel Doppelspieler, considered the act of towing the ship, so far from its original destination, an act of “piracy”. He said to reporters in Berlin: “Our sailors cannot function without beer for very long. We are talking here about a major health Katastrophe! Captain Tandelhaft is suffering from the Schuttels, you know.”
In the meantime, American diplomats are urging caution and a “rational approach” to the misunderstanding. State Department spokeswoman, Victoria Nuland, said that American Hercules transport planes are landing at the Incirlik NATO airbase in Turkey now with “a whole boatload of St. Pauli Girl beer to help get the German sailors over the hump.”
Chancellor Angela Merkel says a prayer in the Munschendunkelbrauhauskirche for German spies on the Shpionschiff 123 in the Mediterranean. “Oh, please, Gott, ve don’t vant anozer Schicksalsschlag“.
Adding to the repercussions from this brouhaha is the unconfirmed report that the captain of the Russian battleship which first intercepted the German cargo vessel announced afterwards that it was being confiscated in the name of the “freedom loving, peace-loving people of the Soviet Union”. As it turned out, the captain, one Vsolovod Kozlovovitch, was at retirement age and served mostly in the Soviet navy.
We’ll keep following this story as it develops.