MERCURY NEWS SERVICE
Where the facts never get in the way of a good story
This year’s annual prize for the “Nowhere Man” competition was held in secret again with the MNS Board of Trustees and select members of the readership participating in an advisory role. The Middle East dominated the competition this time; most nominees being of Arabic ethnic origin.
The “Nowhere Man” Prize is given to one person “whose own public record of activities, advertent or inadvertent, have contributed exclusively to his descent into oblivion, isolation or infinite irrelevance. This prize was inspired by a song from the British pop group, “The Beatles”, whose plaintive melody conjured up images of unparalleled failure, the obstinate pursuit of bungling, that incendiary passion for self-abnegation immediately followed by indescribable opprobrium. Only a mind resolved to reach the lowest strata of worthlessness can claim this prize”. (Words by Sir Run Run Shaw, XVIII, Poet Laureate of the Far East and Micronesia).
The first nominee was ABDEL HALIM KHADDAM, Paris-based professional politician, traitor, thief and back-stabber, whose many decades of service to the Syrian government of Hafez and Bashar Al-Assad ended when his favorite ATM Machine, Rafiq Hariri, went up in a puff of smoke in February 2005. Absolutely convinced Syria was behind the assassination of Daddy Warbucks, he fled to France (where he stashed most of his ill-gotten gains) and began a “self-righteous” war of vituperations and personal, spiritual purging ending in his swansong performance as the “Amazing Shrinking Man”.
Khaddam, seen here, dozes as he listens to members of the Syrian National Council describe him as a “snake”, “carpetbagger”, “Quel salaud” and “weasel”.
The second nominee was Abdel Basset Sieda, the head of the notional organization, Syrian National Council (SNC), fighting to liberate Syria from progressive ideas, secularism and and a growing economy. Seida’s own personality may be the cause for his inability to register with the public. He is, after all, an academic with a proven aversion to mirth or any display of satisfaction.
The Swedish-based professor beams for the camera after he’s informed of his victory in the SNC election. He will lead the organization for three months. He was elected in June and he’s still the chairman.
In poll after poll conducted by the Kurdistan Workers Party, no Arabs or Kurds were able to identify him. His book on the Kurdish question was out of print the first day of its publication and shrinking copies can still be found hanging in provincial out-houses in his native Al-Hasaka Governorate. He is known for his honesty in the same way “a village idiot is praised for that peculiar quality”, or so says Abdel Halim Khaddam, co-nominee for the award and champion scoundrel. Burhan Ghalioun, his predecessor at the SNC, described him as “dull to the point of exquisite. An ideal soporific. He can be found someplace under Baroness Ashton’s sofa, but don’t ask me where exactly.”
The third nomination went to Danny Abdel-Dayem, who as “Syrian Danny”, had that certain talent for the stage and screen that catapulted him to temporary fame as CNN’s favorite “Little Lord Fauntleroy in Homs” where he was supported by a team of English filmmakers bent on bringing out the “imagined worst” of the Syrian military. As it turned out, you must now know, some of Danny’s out-takes were discovered by Syrian intelligence and were shown containing “set up scenes with the impresario giving expert direction to his team of now-unemployed filmmakers and sound editors”. The man whose neck was most vulnerably shaved for the descending blade was none other than Anderson Cooper who spent enumerable evenings extracting from Danny that feeling of loneliness which comes only through self-sacrifice to a greater cause (even if it was all filmed at Shepperton Studios near London). Anderson asked Danny how the Syrian government got those tapes. Danny said he “didn’t know”. And that was Danny’s leap into the abyss of oblivion.
Danny, seen here in Beirut, tries desperately to regain some of his lost notoriety by participating in a Syrian “Gay Pride” parade. It was not a success. Danny was deported back to England.
The fourth nominee and winner is MAHMOUD ABBAS of the Palestinian Authority!
Mr. Abbas, known affectionately as “Abu Mazen”, his nom d’un chien, tries to figure out why the Mossad gave him these particular spectacles.
Touted once as the Palestinian “Moses”, leading his people from slavery into the Promised Land; called the Palestinian Jean D’Arc leading Arabs to victory over the usurping Jews; lauded as “Ibrahim Lincoln” who united all Palestinians and gave them their freedom…….If the truth be told, Mr. Abbas was lucky he didn’t wind up as a Palestinian Pied Piper of Hamelin leading his people straight into the sewers of Tel Aviv.
Loved by the “Israelis” because he is a true righteous gentile and tolerated non-entity; ignored by Palestinians as Uncle Badbakht; treated by American diplomats as “Captain Queeg”; he continues to fascinate collectors of the banal and useless with his spirited inaction at the U.N. He has earned plaudits from many who believe that he and Lebanese former P.M. Fouad Siniora should form an innovative comedy team on stage in which both act as foils for one another. Fouad Siniora is world famous now (called “Boo Hoo Hoo Foo Foo”) because of his crying fits during the 2006 Israeli invasion of Lebanon when, in Paris, he surreptitiously kneeled behind Condoleeza Rice’s skirt and wiped his tears on it. But Abu Mazen doesn’t cry. He doesn’t even breathe! According to Israeli pest and avowed fake liberal, Uri Avnery, “…only the movement of his eyeballs gives evidence of life.”
This Nowhere Man has managed to give the Israelis more time than ever to build walls to prevent attacks by freedom fighters; to destroy Palestinian olive groves; seize homes in Palestinian villages, towns and cities; build permanent settlements on Palestinian land; arrest troublemakers, activists, radicals, revolutionaries and Hamas’ spies. Under Abbas, 75% of the Palestinian population now works for either Mossad, AMAN or Shin Beth. He has single-handedly reduced Palestine to a “beggar state”, unable to pay state employees in anything other than pomegranate kernels. Abu Mazen has handed over hundreds of Palestinian male children to Prince Pedophile-Husband of Madame Banana on the promise the Arab Prince will “pay it back in kind”.
His achievement in the realm of “underachievement” is nonpareil.
“He’s a real nowhere man
sitting in his nowhere land
making all his nowhere plans
And so this year’s winner, Mahmoud Abbas, will go down in history as the nobody who went down in history.
Congratulations, Abu Mazen. From the staff and trustees of the Mercury News Service.