Once again we must warn the sedulous reader about the rules.  You cannot use any reference work to assist you.  We will know! And you will be punished for violating the rules.  You are allowed to have one sheet of paper and a pencil.  Good luck.

1.  Lauren Bacall, who is Jewish, is related to Polish-born Zionist politico Shimon Peres.  How?

a.  Peres directed her in Jud Suss;
b.  Peres is the father who abandoned her to join the Ritz Brothers in New York;
c.  Bacall and Peres snookered Bogie into thinking she was Episcopalian;
d.  Peres bowls at the same alley Bacall used to frequent until she developed cataracts;
e.  Bacall was born “Berry Perske” and Peres was born “Simon Perske“, that’s how.

2.  Egri Bikaver is a(n)…..?

a.  Overpriced Hungarian wine;
b.  Czech general who was caught napping when Soviet forces annexed his country;
c.  A type of soap prescribed by German doctors to treat scabbies;
d.  A code word for “weed” in Detroit’s DelRay Quarter;
e.  Type of currency used in Qatar to trade in white adolescent males from Hungary.

3.  Should you want to be a Khorezmian Shah?

a.  Yeah! You would be just one breath away from the rank of Ayatollah;
b.  Nah!  I’d just be overthrown by the Americans;
c.  I dunno.  Does he have a lot of money?
d.  Maybe.  Do I get 72 cuties in the afterlife?
e.  No.  Unless you don’t mind being skinned alive by Genghiz Khan and his Golden Horde.

4.  What Hollywood actress is known to reliably “strip naked at the drop of a hat”?

a.  Agnes Moorehead; but only in lesbo movies;
b.  Rita Tushingham, oh, but wait.  She’s English;
c.  Isabella Rosselini.  Those mixed Swedes and Italians have no morals;
d.  Beulah Bondi, but only for kinky roles;
e.  Maria Bello.

5.  Saganaki is to Kawasaki what a Gyro is to ……?

a.  Spiro Agnew;
b.  Tuna Tataki;
c.  Walkie Talkie;
d.  Nero, Emperor of Rome;
e.  Nothing, stupid.

6. The new virus called Arabicussimianicusbuggerbomba affects what kind of host?

a.  Green monkeys, the ones who started the AIDs epidemic
b.  Desert-loving Englishmen;
c.  Almost always late night emcees and their announcers;
d.  North African riff-raff in Paris;
e.  Saudi Arabian and Qatari pedophiles and simianophiles. 

7.  William Peter Blatty who wrote the Exorcist is of what ethnicity?

a.  Yul Brynner’s;
b.  Steve Jobs’;
c.  Adolph Menjou’s;
d.  Peter O’Toole’s;
e.  Jet Li’s.
8. The largest country in the continent of Antarctica is?

a.  Denmark;
b.  That’s stupid, no country exists in Antarctica;
c.  Russia;
d.  The U.S.;
e.  Luxembourg.

9.  How is King Abdallah of Saudi Arabia is related to King Abdallah of Jordan?

a.  Both have British mothers;
b.  Both usually spell their names the same way in the Latin alphabet;
c.  Abdallah of Saudi had a grandfather who beat out young Abdallah’s Hashemite grandfather for the throne of Arabia;
d.  Both are agents of MI6 and the CIA;
e.  Both are Freemasons.

10.  What has more lemon in it?

a.  Country Time Lemonade;
b.  Chevy Corvair;
c.  Weight Watchers’ Lemon Drink;
d.  Lemon Flavored Koolade;
e.  Lemon Pledge.

And don’t forget no cheating.  Also, the winner’s gift will be announced this Saturday at 11:15 p.m.  Winners who are not listening will be disqualified.