Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story
(Berlin, Germany) Ulrike Von Blindschleicher, special to MNS.
The German Foreign Ministry has announced that the government is expelling six Syrian diplomats as a “response to unrelenting attacks by pro-Syrian government publications and blog sites on our national honor and especially our ships in the Mediterranean and our operatives who are merely trying to overthrow the government of a member state of the United Nations”. Those were the words used by the German F.M., Guido Westerwelle, who also mentioned: “Unjustified personal assaults on Herr Schindler, the head of our Nachrichtidienst, are not going to be tolerated any longer. Herr Schindler is now receiving treatment for stress due to these attacks!”
Herr Westerwelle, seen here, angrily pursing his lips for the cameras as he announces the expulsion of six Syrian diplomats. “Our sailors are not sick! Zose damn yingles (sic) are ze problem.”
It is apparent that the German government was irritated by reports published yesterday on Syrian Perspective, a progressive website devoted to a secular agenda, that accurately described Germany’s role in the Syrian conflict as “inept”, “clumsy”, “awkward”, “stupefying” and “knuckle brained”.
When asked by this reporter at a press conference convened yesterday at the Geilefraulein Gasthaus und Heiligeamerikanischekantine, Mr. Westerwelle became more animated and direct: “Germans cannot handle insults like this, even if they are true. Our fuhrer, Oops!, I mean our Chancellor, was very upset and demanded action.” When reminded that the Syrian staff was made up mostly of janitorial personnel, he was dismissive. “Well, they can go back to Aleppo and clean up what we Germans are proud to have done thanks to our great Shpionschiffe. It is not a Bobloboot like that Scheisskopf said! Would you like a bier and a pretzel?”.
Westerwelle seen here at the cantine for the press conference wearing a Berlin jelly donut as an affirmation of German pride. “Ich bin ein Berliner”, he is quoted saying, further quoting John F. Kennedy.
The expulsion has caused some turbulence amidst the Syrian diplomatic team. It appears that three of them, all janitorial contract employees, are German citizens of Arab descent who have never been to an Arab country. Hans Abu Khaddouje, who represents the three men, denounced the Westerwelle decision as “stupid” for the reason that, as he says, “Ve verk for Herr Schindler. Ve are schpies for Deutschland. Zis iz zo schtupid to zend us to Syrien ven ve hef nefer been zer. No vay!“. As Herr Westerwelle tries to sort out this diplomatic imbroglio, MNS has learned that the head of the German BND, the feared and notoriously evil intelligence service still referred to affectionately by insiders as the “Abwehr”, has been hospitalized for stress related symptoms at the Krankhaus fur Psychotikshpionkur.He too has been heard screaming: “Ich wille auch zum Zontar reisen mit mein Freund Riad!” The reference is to Riad Al-As’ad, the demented, embattled, isolated, besieged, circumnavigated, delusional head of the Fake Syrian Army and his self-described home planet of Zontar.
The remaining three “diplomats” turned out not to be diplomats at all! They were not even of Syrian descent. The three were determined to be Roma (gypsy) circus performers, accordion players and fortunetellers who managed to arrange living quarters for themselves at the Syrian embassy in exchange for entertaining the janitorial staff and cooking goulash. They are petitioning the German government to send them back to France, from where they were originally deported, by the Sarkozy government in one of France’s most celebrated acts of liberality and tolerance.
Herr Westerwelle was approached after he had imbibed six steins of beer and asked about the Syrian janitors. He answered that it was a “Katastrophe!”. When asked about the gypsy tenants at the embassy, he waved it all off with a left-handed gesture: “Zum Teufel mit Ihn! Would you like another pretzel?”
The three Roma “diplomats” are seen here as they are carted away to a local German Konzentrationkampe to await deportation to Syria. Because there are no Syrian diplomats left in Berlin, their fate is now in the hands of the French government. Westerwelle was asked what would happen if the French refused to accept them? “Vell, zen ve hef to discuss zis wit I.G. Farben! Zer iz alvaze Zyklon B! Ooops!”.
Attorney for 35 years and Supreme Court Certified Interpreter for Arabic/English
Diploma with Honors from Ann Arbor Pioneer High School in 1968; B.A. University of Michigan in Ann Arbor 1968-1972; M.A. University of Michigan Dept. of Near Eastern Studies 1972-1974; Ph.D. Cand. Univ. of Michigan 1972-1977; Then went to law school. Credits: Harvard University for classes in Islamic Philosophy; Fellowships from University of Pennsylvania 1976; 2 from Univ. of Michigan. Read English, Arabic, German, French, Farsi, some Hebrew. Studied Ancient Greek and Latin before grad school. Michigan Supreme Court Certified Interpreter/Translator for Arabic and English