We told you yesterday that the winner would be announced today. It was a little trick to create tension, drama and that titillating feeling of anxiety so expertly used by movie-makers to keep the audience tuned in to the evolving plot. But, some communications came in from readers who plainly rejected not having others included. The most popular war criminal not displayed yesterday was Catarrh’s PRINCE DRUM SON OF DOUBLEDRUM HUSBAND OF MADAME BANANA OF THE SECOND RATE TRIBE. So, even though we are going to disclose the name of the world’s best war criminal today, we will have one more entry – else we’ll have to do much apologizing to our core readership, our Janissaries:
We rejected FATSO because, even as a war criminal, he represented the wasted, decaying, fraying DNA threads of a dying race of Peninsular Arabian slugs. It didn’t seem right to mention him among such refined mass murderers as Merkel, Sarkozy, Hollande, Obama, Cameron and Erdoghan. The last one might be questionable, I’ll admit, but as a Turk with so much blood on his family escutcheon, he fit in with just one teeny-weeny angstrom of greased mercy.
It is hard to imagine this bloated, plug-ugly, porcine clot of failed genetic codes as anything but a carcass vomited up by a fetid, primordial swampland. A plumose hog, whose sole contribution to Catarrh, his minuscule piggery of child molesting porkers, was gracefully permitting lily-pink Caucasians to exploit an asset that would give him the ability to underwrite the murder of Syrians on a scale unseen since the days of Qitbuga.
Boss Hogg, seen here after devouring a Bulgarian male orphan for his Iftar feast, radiates ignorance with such finesse you’d think he was genetically predisposed to it. This criminal is a coward who pays wages so others can commit his war crimes.
On Dr. Ayckroyd’s scale, Hog Hamad, scored only 145. Dr. Ayckroyd had to adjust for the fact that Prince Fatso has traits similar to those of four-hoofed mammals, and thus may be able to depreciate his culpability with the defense of “sacrilege”. Only his cousins in the Kookoodom of Saudi Arabia, the mind-stifling cesspool of ineffable piety and idolatry, could find such a defense somewhere in their camel dung-splattered bag of theological tricks.
He pays salaries to Jabhat Al-Nusra psychos and charters ships to carry weapons for them, from the Barbary Coast to Lebanon. He is overtly trying to overthrow our president and is waging war against a sovereign nation. He wages a war of aggression by paying for it. He is guilty of crimes against humanity and crimes against peace. We call on Dr. Assad to do what is necessary to sterilize this pustule and rid the world of its stink.
AND NOW THE MAN WHO SYRPER HAS SELECTED AS THE BEST WAR CRIMINAL IN THE WORLD FOR 2012:
He is not someone you would associate with war crimes. That’s only because he occupies a professional position which oversees the prosecution of these miscreants and is, ergo, immune to such indictment. Well, let’s not mix metaphors, mince words or subvert similes. Let’s remember the Italian movie “A Citizen Beyond Suspicion”. And don’t forget the wolf in sheep’s clothing. Bring anything to mind? Maybe a Ted Bundy? Robert Mitchum as Harry Powell in Night of the Hunter? Oh, this one is slick. And he likes his job, which makes him all the more treacherous. He is none other than U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki Moon:
“My, he looks just like the owner of that sushi bar down the road! How’s his Bulgogi?” This kimchi salesman is no benign restaurateur. He serves up death in the tens of thousands. His hypocrisy, dissimulation, two-facedness, charlatanism and obeisance to the American fiat make him the most insidious of all the war criminals listed.
He was always so quick to condemn our president; our army and our security services even when it was clear they were performing their sworn duty to bring security to Syria and its people. When it became clear that Germany, England, France, the U.S., Turkey, Qatar and Saudi Arabia were deeply involved in destabilizing a sovereign nation with a recognized government, a member state of the U.N., Ban would diffidently hide behind his dirty American laundry, like a callow coolie, hoping the the ugly facts of his collusion would disappear – scrubbing Obama’s underwear against a Korean-manufactured washboard.
His sorry, bedizened cover for the murderous policies of Cameron et al, places him in a position of aider and abettor; confederate; master-mind; comrade; facilitator and stealth-foil for the criminals who brought death and destruction to the innocent people of Syria. Not once has this slant-eyed genocidal freak ever condemned Obama for arming the traitors, deserters and felons whose sole aim was the destabilization of an independent sovereign nation with a government and army. He never condemned the wretched excesses of the Turk grub, Erdoghan, who openly defied international law by promoting the overthrow of our president, Dr. Bashar Al-Assad.
The memory of each and every dead child in Syria will infest this automaton’s legacy. His is a legacy of obsequiousness to American, English and French neo-imperialist machinations. He has made a mockery of the office of Secretary General by openly participating in a plot to destroy a country and a people. He has given ammunition to those who believe he and his wretched organization should not even exist. He is moral squalor and a human failure so deep and dark he inhabits an historical black hole.
Dr. Ayckroid’s scale gives this crouching mendicant a full 200, the highest score possible for a war criminal. He must be indicted and found guilty of crimes against humanity and crimes against peace. We demand his head along with those of the other criminals in this gallery of horror. Gamzahamnida!!