THIRD POST – DECEMBER 21, 2012 – SYRIAN PERSPECTIVE’S “MOST CONSTIPATED LOOKING ENGLISHMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD” ANNOUNCED IN LONDON
The much coveted “JEREMY IRONS MOST CONSTIPATED LOOKING ENGLISHMAN AWARD” has now been announced for 2012. The award extols the virtues of looking as though you have chronic gastrointestinal distress, often depicted by insistent scowls, an appearance of dread, a wrinkled, gray visage contorted by a lifetime’s battle with slow bowels. The award is named after its most prominent symbol, the great English actor, Jeremy Irons:
Jeremy expresses characteristic disappointment after finding out the local chemist sold his last Dulcolax bottle to Scottish actor Brian Cox.
“Oh, Jeremy does smile on occasion” said Vanessa Redgrave during last years ceremony in New York, “but, it’s always as though he’s putting it on the way a condemned man might react to a priest assuring him of eternal life.”
Other great Englishmen noted for their patented constipated appearance are:
Dirk Bogarde, a distant relative of American star Humphrey Bogart, was as gay as Paree. Yet, despite any suggestion of humor or mirth required by a script, he always projected that look which had gastroenterologists jumping up while scratching their left palms. Bogarde won the award in 1999. Even post-mortem he looked constipated.
And, of course, no such award ceremony could pass muster without mentioning the great Gordon Brown, arguably one of the most constipated looking men in the world:
Former P.M. Gordon Brown, about ready to throw a pencil, spill venom or rant at an old crone, beams for the camera with that idiosyncratic look of distress. And KG, I know he’s really a Scot, but, he’s been in England long enough to swipe a cherished trait.
And last year’s prize winner is no slouch when it comes to affecting and maintaining that very special look, frequently associated with the upper classes in England:
Poor Sir John Gielgud, he couldn’t rouse a smile for a flock of children. He is seen here in his immortal role as Chang the Bird, a Chinaman with an Oxonian accent who thinks the English are “inscrutable”. (Lost Investments, 1986) He once remarked about this role: “Anyone who would do this movie would have to be constipated professionally.” The award was given to Sir John post mortem.
What award for constipation could be bestowed without the growling menace of Samuel Becket to grace the cover page of the guest book at the ceremony? Mr. Becket was Irish but must have gotten that look from someplace. He won in 2005.
But the prize winner
this year is someone from the world of literature. He has thrilled audiences with novels so elegant that Americans bought them for their soporific qualities, a real cachet
in a universe of deafening noise and idle chatter. He has defied the Ayatollahs of Iran by enlisting their help in selling his book whose subject was so recondite it would have lost every penny but for the rage it provoked around the Islamic World accompanied by plangent promises of an ugly death . He gracefully skitters through societies of literati like a male Loretta Young in a chiffon frock, made all the more graceful by that look! You know, that look! It’s almost aristocratic. That look of being constipated!!
The newly knighted Sir Salman Rushdie accepts his WOG OF THE YEAR prize in 2008 and joins Ahmad Mu’adh Al-Khatib of the NACOSROF Syrian Terrorist Organization in the rarefied vapors of Woggery.
And that look can be adopted even by colonials! Rushdie is of Indian descent but has quickly absorbed every English mannerism appropriate for a Worthy Oriental Gentleman. He has transformed himself from a bottom-feeding Mogul paynim
to a parasitic English nabob
. And with that comes that look. So unmistakable. He is truly SyrPer’s Most Constipated Looking Englishman of the Year.
The ExLax and Dulcolax companies will provide Mr. Rushdie with enough laxative to cleanse the bowels of Hell. Congratulations Sir Salman on a job well done.