(Gaziantep, Turkey) MERCURY NEWS SERVICE MILITARY CORRESPONDENT, CHAUNCEY MITHELLBOTHAM with Konya Bureau Chief, Evangeliou Lepidopterowiskisos.
Mercury News Service has learned that German military assistance to the FSA in Southern Turkey is in serious peril owing to a series of mental breakdowns reported at Ramstein Airbase in the German Federal Republic. The epidemic nature of the incidents has caused Bavarian parliamentarian, Osric Von Tondertentronkh, to insist on an investigation to determine the cause of “these psychiatric breakdowns totally inconsistent with the single-minded character and rigid personality of the German people!” as he put it in an interview with Suddeutsche Bayernische Zeitung. All reported incidents have taken place on a German electronic spy vessel docked on the coast of Turkey. Its task? to monitor Syrian military communications and relay them to British and German terrorism enablers in Adana, Gaziantep, Incirlik and Apaydin.
The German Shpionboot which the German military cryptically named “A-52” is actually the refurbished Boblo Boat purchased from the United States. The Boblo Boat used to ferry tourists to Boblo Island Amusement Park at the mouth of the Detroit River. The two domes are fiberglass lined beer vaults to slake the thirst of the Teutonic crew. The boat is now called the “Das Krankschiffe”.
The first reported case was a month ago, specifically on November 12, when a midshipman and “communications monitor”, Fahnrich Otto Blumenverruckt, charged into the captain’s quarters while high-ranking officers were observing the nationally obligatory bender called “Konig Karl’s Musstrinkentag” with evidently an entire Methuselah of Sekt, a case of Asbach Uralt and more beer than the St. Pauli brewery. The young man was said to be shouting: “I can’t take it anymore! The jingles. The jingles!” The captain, Herr Kapitan Wolfgang Beisegel, who was reportedly in no condition to appreciate the seriousness of the sailor’s complaints, had him arrested and, according to one source who requested anonymity: “Given a good German going-over.”
We were able to obtain a copy of the offending missive which gave rise to the sailor’s psychotic reaction. It was a radio-telegraphed advertisement encrypted with an Iranian-engineered “stick-on command” that hacked into the ship’s computer mainframe and kept repeating the same jingle for hours until the crew was able to decrypt it and silence it. The words to the jingle go like this:
The jingle never ended until a certain coded sequence of integers were discovered through sheer brain-pulverizing tenacity. Unfortunately, once the jingle was “disabled”, another would immediately take its place, thus, ensuring the persistence of the epidemic among the German sailors.
MNS did a search through its vast archives in its library in New York City and found that the jingle was originally a 1970s commercial for a company called Cornwell Pools. It too, like the German spy boat, had a Michigander provenance. The jingle as repeated over the telephone had the effect of numbing the senses, we had to admit.
Sixteen sailors have now been transported to Incirlik Military Hospital, Mental Services Division, all ranting and raving about Shalish Tyres or Makhlouf Roofs. We asked the hospital’s chief physician, Turkish Colonel Helim Dinkbabinkzadeh, about the problem. He told us the following: “This kind of trauma is typical of cultures with a low silliness tolerance level. The Germans are excellent examples of this. Obviously the Syrians agree and used these yingles (sic) to torment them. The English are very different. They’re just silly. They can sit for hours and listen to drivel. Have you ever sat through Fawlty Towers?”
The head of the German mission was not particularly sympathetic promising a campaign to “reeducate our sailors after appropriate punishment!”. The punishment is evidently related to a finding by the German crew that their boat was festooned with listening devices under the waterline which looked like ordinary barnacles. Uberunterautobahnfuhrer Rolf Vielwindschlager declared the existence of such listening devices “unacceptable”! and promised a compete investigation. “Ziz iz not ze German vay! Kopfen vill roll! Wo ist mein Braunschweiger und Butterbrot?“
We will keep you informed as events develop.