“I told you I’m Austrian, not German. Nicht schuldig. Okay?”
Wellkommen.  Wellkommen! to all Syrian Perspective readers.  I’m Bulltwang Schmuck, Cast Iron Chef from Austria, with the third installment of the cuisine page for SyrPer.  Today’s recipe is very special – very spezialitaat PRUSSIAN SAUERBRATEN!!!   Sauerbraten is a traditional dish served mainly in the Southern part of our Vaterland…I mean….homeland.  But when it’s made as Preussich Sauerbraten, it is so much more unique.  You must have the following ingredients:
One big fat piece of beef  slaughtered recently with a sharpened dagger
A carafe of German red wine.  Do not drink it because German rotwein is schlecht!!  Yuck!
2 cups of cold wasser
1 medium onion sliced thin with a bayonet or Wehrmacht dagger
Black peppercorns crushed between two iron helmets or left uncrushed to surprise guests
Juniper berries under the bodies of Dutch traitors
2 bay leaves

You must combine the ingredients in a large pot! You must put the piece of beef in the pot with the marinade.

You must let the beef sit in the marinade for at least 10 hours in a walk-in cooler.  And now, here is what makes this dish Prussian!  You must stand at attention over the mixture for the 10 hours without one Augenblick (blink) and you must sing Die Wacht am Rhein.  You know the song:

“Es braust ein Ruf wie Donnerhall
Wie Schwertgeklirr und Wogenprall
Zum Rhein, zum Rhein, zum deutschen Rhein
Wer will des Stromes Huuter sein?”

It’s so beautiful!  My grandfather used to sing it for me when I was young.  He was a very interesting man.


This is my grandfather, Ebenezer Schmutzschreiber, during WWI.  Our name was changed to Schmuckschreiber and then just Schmuck because of some bad investments he made in Amerika.  

Anyways,  when the 10 hours are up, you must place the marinated roast in an oven.  This is not for cremation!  The meat should be cooked only until medium and then removed from the pot and served with the marinade and juices from the slaughtered animal.

But now, a true Prussian Sauerbraten must be served with guests in attendance. But not any guests!  A good Prussian host makes sure everyone’s papers are in order.  You must ask for their papers.  Any suspicious documents must be immediately confiscated and reported to the authorities.  Non-Germans are welcome but must not sing Die Wacht am Rhein. Non-Germans, whose papers are not in order, are spies who must be executed after dinner.

You know, I always smile when I think of my grandfather.  Some say that Germans are like Arabs.  Everyone is from a noble line of princes.  Well, my grandfather claimed we were of the Hohenzollern line who were cast out because we stood with the peasant classes and defended the honor of Germany.  He says he was banished with all the family fortune to Amerika where he befriended a jude named Max Schnorttblatt, who sold him a share of the Battery Funnel.  As it turned out, no funnel was built. Only a tunnel and my grandfather was left with nothing.  Since that time, we became the Schmuck family.  Interesting.  Nein?

“Do I really look like Hannibal Lecter?  I don’t know.  I do like to eat meat though.”  See you next time for another very special recipe from Austria, Germany, Sudetenland, Western Poland,  Alsace Lorraine or any part of occupied Europe.  Like my mother used to say: “Let’s Anschluss everybody.  Ha, ha, ha.” 
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