SECOND POST – JANUARY 3, 2013 – MUTINY ON GERMAN SPYSHIP PUTS INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY IN SHOCK; SYRIAN PRESIDENT ORDERS HELP TO GERMAN SAILORS
“Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story”
MERCURY NEWS SERVICE EXCLUSIVE FROM BERLIN, ADANA AND DAMASCUS
Vercingetorix DuMuffe from Berlin, Arkady Voxslob from Adana, and Brunhilde Liebesbombe from Damascus
MNS has confirmed that a major crisis has erupted on the very hush-hush German Shpionboot moored off the coast of Southern Turkey. The electronic monitoring vessel, “The A-53”, based in Bremen, is part of a top-secret NATO operation to help anti-government terrorists to overthrow the administration of Dr. Bashar Al-Assad. The ship sends electronic Intel to British terrorism-enablers in Incirlik who then use the data to direct terrorist operations against Syrian government soldiers and police. The results of this cooperation have been the subject of much controversy with allegations leveled at the German Spychief, Gerhard Schindler, Director of the Bundesnachtrichtendienst (BND), based in Berlin. Some criticism was clothed in very insulting language: “Inept”, “Clumsy”, “Pathetic” and “Deplorable”.
Yesterday, after a new captain had taken control of the ship, a mutiny reportedly took place resulting in the arrest of the captain, his first mate and the naval supply clerk, among others. Sailors on the ship have threatened to execute the captain by “keel hauling him across the reefs of Turkey”. Another message cryptically said: “He vill be hengged if vee don’t get vat vee vant.” MNS immediately sent reporters to Turkey, Germany and Syria.
The German Shpionboot, A-53, or “Graf Von Gimpel” was refitted out of an old Boblo Boat formerly registered to the State of Michigan which was used to ferry children to an island amusement park. Today, its huge white vat, designed to hold 264,000 gallons of beer, graces its superstructure. It is the flagship of Germany’s high-tech spy fleet.
Details are emerging rapidly after reports that BND Director Schindler has suffered a nervous breakdown in Berlin just before catching a flight to Turkey where he was to lead a negotiating team to release the captain and his aides. Here’s what we have learned: Two days ago, a new captain, Ernst Schmuddel, a recently converted Pentecostal Christian, announced that all beer had been leaked overboard, at his direction, and that he would not permit any more beer to “addle ze brainz of our zailors!”
Schmuddel, who hails from Bad Tutschkase, in Bavaria, was baptized only four days before the event and was highly regarded for his discipline and detestation of alcohol. Unfortunately, while those traits might be laudable during battle, they are not welcome on a ship floating endlessly in the warm waters of the Eastern Mediterranean.
The crew prepares nooses for the entire command of the Graf Von Gimpel. Kapitan Schmuddel will be the first to be strung up if the mutineers’ demands are not met. (Photo: Ogden Orffe)
While negotiations continue, reporter Arkady Voxslob has learned in Adana that a shipload of beer on the British-flagged frigate, the HMS Commander Schweppes, was ordered out of Turkish waters by the Shpionboot Kapitan Schmuddel who threatened to “zink yuur Englisch Tubb mit vun shooot!”. The British captain gave the Gimpel a wide berth and left the waters only to stir up a maelstrom of hostility on the German vessel, a hostility that threatens Germany’s sacred seafaring tradition.
But more conditions kept pouring in from the mutineers. One just received yesterday demanded more sausages and sauerkraut. Another demanded better schnitzel and spatzle. The mutineers have even demanded a new cook or they would “execute” the present one “in his own gravy”.
The Syrian government, which has been relying on German botching up of their army communications to snare terrorists, has offered to provide a “temporary solution”. SANA reported today that President Assad has ordered the country’s largest beer brewery, Al-Sharq in Aleppo, to increase production so as to “provide at least 50,000 gallons of beer for the German ship.” Dr. Faisal Miqdad was put in charge of the operation. In Apaydin, where most Syrian deserters are concentrated, General Salim Idris vowed to stop the delivery of beer by “any means possible”. He bellowed into a loudspeaker that “the Syrian regime must be stopped or the beer will be used to defeat our forces! In the name of Allah, we implore our Jihadist terrorist brethren to attack the Al-Sharq Brewery in Aleppo!”
We spoke by radio to the mutineers’ leader, Erstseemann Horst Pferdarsch, as he was tightening the noose around the captain’s neck. “Sie weissen wahrlich und richtig was wir brauchen.” That was all he would say. A call from Ogden Orffe, our photographer who is hiding on the spyboat, indicated the crew was becoming restless with the delay and expected a “typically stupid Turkish attempt to board the boat”.
He whispered: “I think it’s finito for the captain”.
We will keep you informed as to any new developments.