Now you don’t have to go and kidnap the neighbor’s cat if you can’t find an appropriate subject for our delicious stew. And you don’t have to go out of your way to run over somebody’s dog. There’s plenty of road kill for everyone. Here’s what carcass you need to look for:
A dead deer
A dead moose
A dead squirrel
A dead porcupine
A dead skunk (check the special instructions below about field dressing this critter)
A dead cat
A dead dog (the larger the better. Chihuahas look alot like rats)
A dead rat
A dead raven
A dead owl
A dead turtle
This, er, rodent, is fresh and ready for pick-up. He’s easy to field dress and a lively addition to your Etouffe
We don’t recommend you leave the bones in the Etouffe to avoid any unwarranted negative remarks from your guests – “Jeez O’ Pete, Ephemeral, the bones look like a rat’s. Ha.Ha”. Yeah, ha ha! Well, you certainly don’t want people to see this in your stew:
First, remove the fur from the road kill by taking a very sharp knife or razor and carefully separating the pelt from the flesh. You can keep the skin and treat it. Once you have about thirty pelts, you can make a coat out of it or, even, a shawl. Take the critter and slice it down from the ribcage to its genitals. (For special guests, you can slit its throat and drain the remaining blood out to make it kosher or halal). Then, shake it to get the viscera out. Dump into a plastic bag and place in your neighbor’s garbage can or in the public park litter basket. Salt the carcass liberally. (A friend of mine washes it with Lestoil and swallows a bottle of Tetracycline). Once that’s done, put it aside and prepare the Etouffe by combining everything we gave you above in a big pot, letting all vegetables wilt and the full cup of Cayenne Pepper infuse the savory gravy with some much-needed heat. Dump carcass of critter in stew and let cook for about 7 hours, stirring every hour. Once the stew is finished, pull out the skeleton of the animal (dump like viscera above) and you have a wonderful, inexpensive dinner for your guests that will have them raving for months (that’s assuming the animal is rabid).
Serve this delicious Southern dish with Uncle Ben’s Rice and a good shot of vodka. Bon Appetit!
*Editor’s note. SyrPer is not responsible for any foreseeable legal ramifications in certain states of the union for the collection of dead animals on the roadways. We do not advocate the ingestion of road kill and expressly warn our readers that such animals can be deleterious to your health. Please eat with caution.