SYRIAN PERSPECTIVE AWARDS THE COVETED “LONG JOHN SILVER AWARD” TO FORMER SYRIAN AIR FORCE COLONEL RIAD AL-AS’AD, FOR HIS CONTRIBUTION TO THE POPULATION OF ONE-LEGGED VILLAINS IN THE WORLD.
Many of our readers probably did not know that such an award existed. But the great Scottish author, Robert Lewis Stevenson, who wrote the immortal adventure classic, “Treasure Island”, unwittingly brought into sharp focus the need to recognize people with only one whole leg while another rested solidly, from the knee down, on a wooden peg. Although television shows and movies such as the “Fugitive” extolled the virtues of the “one-armed man”, very few ever broached the subject of the “one-legged man”. SyrPer, always in the vanguard of revolutionary thinking, has altered the calculus in this very important domain of human endeavor.
It was a crisp late night on March 25, 2013 when Col. Al-As’ad and destiny would meet. He had decided to drive to the city of Al-Mayaadeen in Dayr El-Zor Governorate where he thought his courageous army of rats were in total control And they might have been – which is why many believe it was the FSA or Jabhat Al-Nusra who did him in.
On that night, in total darkness, the Colonel slipped into his chauffeured van and was greeted by a big “BOOM!”. But this was not a boom designed to kill him – only to maim him. And it did! It blew his bloomin’ right leg off from just above the knee down to his tippy-toes. Hence, the Long John Silver Award for 2013.
“I want to die”, the Colonel screamed out to his rescuers. Instead he was delivered to Sanliurfa in Turkey for treatment. Tee hee hee. The Turkish doctors there, who still practice medicine according to principles established during the American Civil War, perfunctorily amputated his right leg and proclaimed another Turkish medical success.
The Colonel has received a lot of fan mail from fellow “peg-leggers” around the world including some very comely females who also share the same defect. Seen below is Lurleen Snotgrass of Fort Lauderdale who has offered to marry him. She refers to herself as a “lefty” while referring to her favorite Syrian terrorist as a “righty”. “I’ll be his second wife. Okay? I mean, I really think he’s so attractive with that leg blown off.”
Colonel Al-As’ad is now waiting for this new prosthesis which was manufactured for him in Freiburg, Germany. Chancellor, Angela Merkel, personally autographed the artificial leg with the note: “Mein Leibchen, Kolonel Riad, Mit vielen Grussen von deiner Weibstuck, Angela.”
And so, it is with much pride that the Board of Governors of Syrian Perspective bestow upon former Colonel Riad Al-As’ad, founder of the Fake Syrian Army, the Long John Silver Peg-leg Award for 2013. Along with a lifetime supply of Dr. Scholl’s Patented Heel Lifts and Left-Foot Talcum Powder, he will also receive his own copy of the movie, “Treasure Island” starring Robert Newton in his immortal performance as the lovable, one-legged pirate. Good going, Colonel!
And please enjoy this article from Bestgore about the great Colonel.
Attorney for 35 years and Supreme Court Certified Interpreter for Arabic/English
Diploma with Honors from Ann Arbor Pioneer High School in 1968; B.A. University of Michigan in Ann Arbor 1968-1972; M.A. University of Michigan Dept. of Near Eastern Studies 1972-1974; Ph.D. Cand. Univ. of Michigan 1972-1977; Then went to law school. Credits: Harvard University for classes in Islamic Philosophy; Fellowships from University of Pennsylvania 1976; 2 from Univ. of Michigan. Read English, Arabic, German, French, Farsi, some Hebrew. Studied Ancient Greek and Latin before grad school. Michigan Supreme Court Certified Interpreter/Translator for Arabic and English