(New York, Mercury News Service) Joining notorious professional liars and fellow nominees for the SyrPer 2013 LIAR OF THE YEAR AWARD, Navi Pillay and Rami Abdul-Rahmaan, Judy Woodruff, who aspired to be the Betty Grable of the Dust Belt, started out her adult life as Miss Augusta Junior Beauty Queen of Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1963. Extremely sensitive to cruel remarks about her “Okie from Muskogee” style, she exploited a gift she did not know she had until she met her “Svengali”, Roberto Cagliostro, who had just finished another stint in the New York penal system for embezzlement, false pretenses and “outright falsehood”. He had also been recently excommunicated from the Catholic Church after being found seducing an altar boy fondly nicknamed “Liberace”. Cagliostro insisted on his innocence at his jury trial in 1964 declaring: “I thought he was a 12 year old girl”. Unable to sway the jury with that defense, he succeeded in garnering the attentions of Judy Woodruff, who fell in love with him. During visiting hours in Attica, New York, Judy was taught how to tell a thousand lies and put on a “sheepish face” all at the same time.
That sheepish face is now known to everyone as patented Judy Woodruff. Called the “Dachshund Droop”, the “Sheepdog’s Pshaww” and the “Spinster’s Spiel“, it’s put on whenever Judy is lying about the news. It is always deployed when news comes in of Syrian rebel defeat. She uses it to deflect news that Bashar Al-Assad is popular. She always displays it when she learns that a “high profile Syrian defector” has turned out to be a notorious animal fornicator, a fecal fetishist or gypsy impersonator.
JUDY: Is he really that bad?
AMOS: Oh, he is so sick. (tee hee hee)
JUDY: My, when are those Islamist heroes going to finally take over?
AMOS: When our president decides to give them gas masks so they can use the Sarin gas we’ve sent them. (tee hee hee)
JUDY: Well, let’s see if Obama has the inner strength to do that.
Madame Woodruff became anchorwoman for the Public Balderdash Service in 2007 after she had stints with CNN and NBC where she learned the “art of misstating everything, repackaging lies, concealing the obvious, stuffing stories and putting on a long face to kite hatred.” Before that, she had her own niche at PBS, “Frontline”, and was the Washington Correspondent for the MacNeil/Lehrer News Hour. She is a member of the Council on Foreign Relations and holds a degree in PolySci from Duke University, Richard Nixon’s old alma mater.
Judy is not watched by many people. Her very obvious biases are constantly marketed as “incisive” and “penetrating”. Unfortunately, most people have figured out that she is a “bigoted old bag” who expects a big check from Saudi Arabia any day now. Her incisiveness is best demonstrated by the way she incisively conceals facts. Her penetrating qualities are, really, mostly the way she looks at the monitor, with a hound’s sad eyes, whenever she must report that terrorists have failed to blow up an apartment complex in Damascus with Christian children in it.
One of Judy’s most enduring contributions to American culture is the immortal tongue-twister: