KAPTAIN CAPTAGON! FEARLESS INTERNATIONAL DRUG DEALER AND TERRORISM ENABLER. HE CAN LEAP OVER TALL BUILDINGS JUST LIKE A GIANT BABOON AND CAN CLIMB TOWERS WITH HIS PREHENSILE TAIL. HE CAN PRODUCE THE MIRACLE DRUG, CAPTAGON, AND DELIVER IT WITH LIGHTNING SPEED.
“But, oh kind sir….I prithee….what is Captagon?” (Now heard to “Pomp and Circumstance”)
CAPTAGON IS THE SECRET FORMULA TO MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL INNOCENT CIVILIANS WITHOUT REMORSE! IT IS FOUND ONLY ON THE PLANET FENETHYLLINE (ZONTAR) WHENCE THE GREAT KAPTAIN CAPTAGON HAILS. IT IS A LIE THAT IT IS MANUFACTURED IN BELGIUM AND LUXEMBOURG, TWO NATIONS FAMOUS FOR THEIR MISERABLE BEERS. (Haraam) IT CAN ONLY BE MADE ON ZONTAR!
He can be found in the playgrounds of Syrian schools delivering his message of slaughter. He is found in the trunks of cars plying their way across the border from the Lebanon into Syria to deliver the miracle drug – CAPTAGON! Captagon can be found in your monthly Wine Spectator issue. His customers include, Abu Sakkaar the Cannibal, Abu Muhammad Al-Jawlaani the Infanticide, Abu-Hudhayfa the Libyan Oaf and so many others who have found the miracle of slaughtering the innocents as a fast ticket to the afterlife.
“Kaptain Captagon was my savior. I had a really hard time shooting civilians in Der’ah because I thought it might be wrong. But, then, Kaptain Captagon came and gave me these pills. Now, I’m killing everybody. I even fragged my commander. It was great.” Abu-‘Uqba the Tunisian before he was found smiling with a bullet in his head.
“I kept telling my buddy that it was un-Islamic to fire on ladies carrying groceries, especially with their kids. But after taking a few Captagons, I didn’t care anymore. I killed my own mother the other day and feel good about it. It’s the Captagon. It’s wonderful”. Maghloob Al-Maghaaliba, a Syrian from Der’ah who now floats among the molecules of the universe thanks to Captagon.
LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT’S A BIRD. IT’S A PLANE! NO, YOU IDIOT! IT’S A MONKEY. AND ITS NAME IS KAPTAIN CAPTAGON.
TODAY, AS A PROMO, HE’S SELLING THE PILLS AND A FEW VIALS OF SARIN GAS MADE IN GEORGIA. WHAT WILL HE THINK OF NEXT? AND IF YOU CALL NOW AT 1-888-102-6666, KAPTAIN CAPTAGON WILL INCLUDE HIS WORLD-FAMOUS “OBAMA-MAMA VTX GAS STIMULANT AND FACIAL CREAM”. AN UNBELIEVABLE VALUE PAID FOR BY SAUDI ARABIAN MARMOSETS. DON’T MISS THIS GREAT OFFER. IT’S ONLY AVAILABLE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST. AND SAUDI ARABIA DOESN’T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.
KAPTAIN CAPTAGON IS THINKING OF WAR! BUT THAT IS ANOTHER STORY TO BE TOLD IN THE ANNALS OF SAUDI APE LORE.