(Editor’s note: The meeting took place in Amman, Jordan in Jabal Hussayn in Al-Jawlaani’s HQ. He was incognito, masquerading as deceased Libyan leader, Mu’ammar Al-Qaddaafi, to conceal his true appearance)
Abu Muhammad Al-Jawlaani seen in this photo taken by Ogden Orffe in Amman, Jordan. He says his hairdresser is Simone Abu-Shleeta.
MNS: Thank you, so much, Mr. Al-Jawlaani for sitting with us for this interview. It was so hard to find you.
AL-JAWLAANI: I am always wearing a disguise. In Syria, my own men don’t know me one day to the next. I have my own hairdresser and cosmetician accompanying me on operations. They are trained assassins too. I just have to keep them apart (if you know what I mean). Yesterday, I was Mr. Rogers. You can’t take chances these days.
MNS: The name you use here is a nom de guerre. What is your real name?
AL-JAWLAANI: Hey, watch the French. Okay? It’s a fag language and I don’t know it. My real name is
Ta`abbata Sharran. My mother used to call me “Ta`abatta” for short. It has something to do with armpits.
MNS: You are trying to oust the president of Syria. How will you do that?
AL-JAWLAANI: Did Assad send you to ask that stupid question? I can’t tell how I’m going to do that. In fact, I don’t have any idea myself. An opportunity will arise.
MNS: There is talk about unifying the ranks of the opposition. What is your take on it?
AL-JAWLAANI: She loves me; she loves me not. What the hey! Look. Yesterday, Abu This said he was declaring his loyalty to me. Then, Abu That, threatened to kill Abu This because I was not radical enough. Then, the “Brigades of Allah’s Hyenas” fought the “Battalions of the Martyrs of the Spirits of All Conquering Neanderthals of North Africa” which then avenged itself by massacring every member of the “Fighting Regiments of the Meccan Cub Scouts”, and then, the “Platoons of Allah’s Ultramaroons of the Damascus Plain” announced it was breaking off from the “Monotheistic A-Team of Baluchistan”. I mean, it goes on and on. Anyways, I don’t care anymore.
MNS: And the FSA led by General Saleem Idrees?
AL-JAWLAANI: Idrees can’t get his wife to iron his shirt. He’s a loser. He used to teach Personal Hygiene 101 at the Aleppo Military Academy. Nobody listens to him. We’re gonna assassinate him just for fun.
MNS: Oh, my God! Why would you want to kill someone who seems so ineffectual?
AL-JAWLAANI: We have to appear active. It’ll really upset the Americans. I love to do that. They’re always tsk-tsk-tsking everything while killing everybody. Islam despises the hypocrite, as you know.
MNS: There is a lot of talk about the big offensive in Southern Syria. Do you have anything to say about it?
AL-JAWLAANI: Well. It started. I mean the rotten Assad army is attacking us.
MNS: No! I mean, your offensive.
AL-JAWLAANI: What do you mean I’m offensive?!!
MNS: Oh, never mind. What I am trying to get at is why your organization is fighting in Syria while you live here in this very posh neighborhood in Amman?
AL-JAWLAANI: What good would I be to my men if I got killed in Syria? In any case we’re being evicted by the landlord for non-payment of rent. I was told I could appeal. But, I’m not appealing.
In this scene, Abu Muhammad Al-Jawlaani’s fighters take a break from villainy and play in the local Jordanian Army Marching Band. The Jordanians trained them to play the bagpipes.
MNS: You’re not appealing.
AL-JAWLAANI: What do you mean? Now, I’m not appealing? What’s it with you?
MNS: I meant nothing by that…………In any case, isn’t Prince Bandar Bin Sultan paying your rent?
AL-JAWLAANI: He’s cheap. He’s a stingy rotten little Ayraab. I was supposed to get a penthouse in Manhattan. When I mentioned that to him for the 50th time, I remember he said: “Oh, I meant a hen house for Bin Laden.” What a goofball!
MNS: Do you mind if I ask how it is you speak English like an American? Even Ogden, our photographer says you have an accent from the New York City area.
AL-JAWLAANI: I’m from Brooklyn. From Bay Ridge. My real name is Baruch Schweinsteiger. I’m a reformed haredi. Do you mind if I go the john and take care of some business?
MNS: No, not at all. (At this point Mr. Jawlaani left for about 20 minutes and returned in a new disguise)
AL-JAWLAANI: Well. What do you think?
MNS: My God. You look like a jude. I mean a Jew.
AL-JAWLAANI: You’re German ain’t ya?
MNS: Austrian. I’m Austrian.
AL-JAWLAANI: Uhuh. I’ll bet you’d like to stuff me in some oven and take care of unfinished business, wouldn’t ya?
MNS: I despise the Nazis.
AL-JAWLAANI: Nicht schuldig, eh?
MNS: You are upsetting me. I’m here to discuss the war in Syria, not WWII. Who do you work for anyways?
AL-JAWLAANI: That’s for me to know. Would you like to have a nice mikva bath? I’ve got some used bathwater upstairs. Heh, heh.
MNS: You are not Abu Muhammad Al-Jawlaani. You are an impostor!
AL-JAWLAANI: Hey, don’t go mean on me. I like little zaftig schiksas like you. Ever been with a Jew who wasn’t circumcized?
Brunhilde, shocked by his flirtations, stood up and stampeded out of the room at this point. The interview ended. Ogden Orffe is still held for ransom by Jabhat Al-Nusra. He will be freed when Brunhilde agrees to marry Mr. Al-Jawlaani and become a Jihad-Sex-Object. “Zum Teufel mit Ogden”, responded Brunhilde to the odd proposition.