Brunhilde Liebesbombe, seen here, (ca 1964) preparing for her first interview with Oleg Penkovsky. Unfortunately, Colonel Penkovsky was indisposed, having been executed for treason.
February 7, 2014 (Istanbul). Right from the heart of the former capital of the Ottoman Empire, Constantinople itself (Istanbul is Constantinople), the Mercury News Service is proud to announce a major journalistic achievement in securing the cooperation of Ahmad Jarba, the chief negotiator for the Syrian “opposition” and head of the National Coalition of Syrian Revolution and Opposition Forces (NACOSROF). He agreed to meet with Howitzer Prize-winning reporter, Brunhilde Liebesbombe, at the Sweet Janissary’s Bath-House on the Golden Horn with Wurlitzer Prize-winning photographer, Ogden Orffe.
Mr. Jarba was explicit about his desire for a “totally honest and robust interview” with “no holds barred”. Here is the entire text of the meeting with Mr. Jarbaa:
B.L.: Mr. Jarba, is it true you were a pimp in Syria before you took on the leadership of the Syrian opposition?
Jarba: Yes. I had a brisk business in Al-Hasaka until the cruel and oppressive Ba’athist regime of Assad closed me down and put about 48 of my best employees out of work.
B.L.: But, Mr. Jarba, prostitution exploits women and enslaves them.
Jarba: What are you….some Betty Friedan? People seemed to like my work. I provided employment for women from Eastern Europe – fat women – like you. Hey, by the way, need some extra income?
B.L.: How dare you! Are you propositioning me?
Jarba: There’s a big market for chubbies like you in Morocco. Give it some thought.
Jarba has a keen eye for a buck as he gives our reporter the once-over before he offers her work as a “Madame” in his international concern, “Tarts Unlimited”.
B.L. I certainly will not…..(regaining her composure)….You have decided to attend the second session of Geneva-2. What are your plans for the meeting?
Jarba: Well, first of all, we need better accommodations than the last time. I discussed this with Prince Saud Al-Faysal and he promised those 5-star hotels Mr. Mouallem discussed in his cruel and abusive opening statement.
B.L.: Where were you lodged last time?
Jarba: Some youth hostel. A Jugendherberge, of all things. I had to sleep next to Haytham Al-Maaleh. He snores a lot. Burhan Ghalioun was in the other bed and he keeps talking in his sleep. In French!
B.L.: Did you ask for another room?
Jarba: Why? So I can sleep next to some communist Christians? By the way, my company doesn’t deal with just women. We cater to all tastes. Ahem.
B.L.: What will you propose to the Syrian government delegation this time around?
Jarba: That Assad resign, of course, and that I be allowed to reopen my cat houses. Do you know how many Saudis came to my places before we were shut down? Hundreds! Even the king…oops…..I mean, it’s only fair, anyways.
B.L.: But, President Assad said that won’t happen. And you are losing ground to the army. Why would he want to negotiate with you?
Jarba: Well, he’s really negotiating with Robert Ford, the American guy who’s leaving us in a month. I, frankly, don’t know why he wants to negotiate with us. Do you?
Robert Ford’s influence in Syria is best exemplified by his immense popularity among the common folk.
B.L.: I suspect the Russian foreign minister, Lavrov, has something to do with it. How are you getting along with the Russians?
Jarba: Very well, actually. I may be exiled there forever. Lavrov promised me a dacha next to Gerard Depardieu’s and Snowden’s. I think it’s Kim Philby’s old one. That’s what I’m told. But, I got some news Depardieu doesn’t want any Arabians around him.
French cinema legend Gerard Depardieu reacts to the report his new neighbor might be Ahmad Jarba. “Bete puant!”
B.L.: Are you thinking of going back to areas of Syria where the opposition has some control? Don’t you want to show you have credibility?
Jarba: I value my head a lot more than that, Toots. Last time I tried that the Turks had to airlift me out before those bearded Chechens got a hold of me. No. I think not.
B.L.: So it appears the Syrian F.M. was right. You do have nothing.
Jarba: Don’t be so judgmental. “Nothing” is relative. We have a huge media machine behind us with great headlines like “Homs Truce Agreement First Result of Geneva Conference”. People seem to believe we had something to do with that.
B.L.: Of course, you didn’t. I understand that the terrorists inside the Old City have disavowed any relationship to you.
Jarba: Yeah, but Ford wanted to make it look like we were involved. So we went along. I don’t even know where Homs is. In any case, he makes a phone call and the headlines pop up. He’s really weird.
B.L.: Do you have any dreams for the future?
Jarba: Sure. I’d like to reopen my brothels. I’d like to reconnect with my workers. I want to give them more than before. Maybe Obamacare! Huh? Huh?
B.L.: You know, I detect a strange accent in the way you speak English? Are you really from Syria?
Jarba: Whaa? Nah! My mudda was Haitian and my fadda wuz from Camden, Jersey. I’m not even Arabic. It’s really cool though when ya tink about it. I get to sit with Prince Stutter Ibn Stutter an he likes me cuz I drink wid’em. But he’s got a big praablem wid hangovas.
Prince Faisal Ibn Stutter, was so impressed by Michael Dukakis, he had to emulate him by buying a toy Jeep.
“What, me worry?”