Good grief! If you think about all the personalities that have come and gone in the short time since the Syrian conflict began, you’d wonder if there was somebody out there making a new version of the hit movie “Final Destination”. Join us for another tour of the “has-been” landscape with SyrPer’s favorite and only host, Ziad:
1. Riyaadh Al-As’ad. Remember him? How can you forget. He is the founding father of that immortal mess called the Fake Syrian Army. His popularity was so widespread in Syria that his brothers-in-arms actually tried to blow him into so many molecules in Mayaadeen, in eastern Syria. Then, he got almost blown into the Ozone layer when an SAAF helicopter dropped a thermobaric bomb on his fellow rat “officers” in Rawdha, northern Latakia. He was formerly a Colonel in the SAAF, responsible primarily for keeping abandoned runways free of chewing gum. He now lives with his brother in Holland under the protection of the Dutch government.
Al-As’ad seen here before SyrPer bestowed upon him the Long John Silver/Captain Ahab prize for best peg-leg of 2012. In this scene, he famously utters the classic: “Look Ma, no legs”.
2. Saleem Idrees: General of the Golden Horde, Champion of Saudi Pederasts, Nabob of Nihil and Supreme Jackass, Idrees, a former Maj. General in the SAA who specialized in teaching Aleppo Academy cadets how to use dental floss, sprung to the forefront by kicking Riyaadh Al-As’ad down to the bottom rungs and taking over the ineptly named “Supreme Military Council”, or something like that.
Idrees was himself dumped by the even more incompetent and Zionist trained, ‘Abdul-Ahad Al-Basheer Al-Nu’aymi, when a cabal of Young Turks decided Idrees had lost his ability to even clean his teeth with cruelly engineered Turkish floss. He now lives somewhere between Sweden and the Twelfth of Never.
Idrees’ uncanny resemblance to Dr. Josef Mengele might result in a new career making slasher movies in Hollywood.
3. Manaaf Talaas: The BBC really made an ass out of itself when it proclaimed his defection “the most important” since George Sanders moved to Portugal. With Cantabrigian cadences and timbre, he was described as “important”, his defection “demoralizing” and his criticisms “biting”. What the BBC would not tell its listeners was that the great general had been under house arrest for one and one half years before Dr. Assad decided he was too unimportant to be watched so carefully. He is now in the UAE with his billionaire brother, Firaas, chewing Qat and smoking Indonesian cigars.
We are not even going to try to guess what’s in the cigar he’s smoking, but, one can hear the plangent sounds of Elmer Bernstein’s immortal theme for the “Magnificent Seven” in the background.
4. Mustafaa Al-Shaykh: The BBC and everybody else went into “orgiastic mode” when this child molester declared his open revolt against the tyranny of secular Syria. He was immediately considered a shoe-in for GRAND MASTER-BLASTER OF THE MASTER RACE and was feted with every Turkish emolument the great Sultan Erdoghan could muster. As it turned out, Al-Shaykh pocketed the clean half-million bribe money sent to him by PRINCE FATSO OF QATAR and bought a bathhouse for prepubescent girls in Istanbul. It also turned out the great general couldn’t command a pack of girl scouts.
“Why, hi there, little girl. What’s your name? I’ll bet you’ve been very naughty”.
5. Colonel Abdul-Jabbaar Al-‘Ukaydi: The only member of this unique club of charlatans and sex perverts who has some command experience, he regularly sputtered platitudes in messages to his millions of fans around the globe – blowing kisses at them – all the while the background cacophony of war, handled by Danny the Syrian, gave depth and resonance to the shabby fruit cellar he occupied. It was here that he commanded the army of rats of Aleppo. It was here, also, when he decided it was best to jump ship and head for his own Shangri La. Where he is exactly, nobody knows. And nobody cares. For all we know, he’s driving a taxi cab in Yonkers with his partner, Usaama Bin Laden.
“What d’you mean the Canadians won’t give me landed immigrant status?……No, I don’t want to run a laundromat in Los Angeles.”