CAN PRAYER CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE?

“Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story”

UNCLE AYMAN WANTS YOU!”.  Alqaeda chief and chronic cave-dweller, Ayman Al-Zhawaahiri wants you to have a nihilistic romp with him in the barren mountains of Bora Bora.  Note that dot on his forehead.  Brain damage?  Let’s see.  

By: Brunhilde Liebesbombe, Special to the Mercury News Service. Cairo, Egypt. Exclusive.  That elusive and mysterious mark on the forehead of so many Muslim men.  It’s seen in the streets of Cairo among nattily dressed businessmen plying their way through vast oceans of humanity and blaring taxis slowly crushing insignificant beggars like gnats; among clerics, just under the edges of their turbans; among peasants mixing their gamoose manure into the fertile soil of Eternal Egypt.  But, what does it mean?

It’s called a “zabeeba” or “raisin”.  It’s acquired by constantly banging your forehead on the prayer rug atop which you happen to be kneeling as a devotional act to the great Allah who spends His time noting the violent thuds of bone on carpet tossed indifferently on a marble floor – time well spent by the Deity for it is in this act of observation that the devout, fundamentalist gains the keys to his Paradise in the afterlife – the deeper the zabeeba’s color, the more likely Paradise will be vast and welcoming.  Or so they think.

We spoke to Dr. Mahmoud Damanhoori of the Cairo Institute for the Prevention of Brain Damage Through Prayer.  We asked him during rounds what his opinion was of the zabeeba.  His response was shocking:

Sayfuddeen Barabooshli, a patient of Dr. Damanhoori’s, is seen in this photo while undergoing frontal lobe massage therapy to prevent him from biting his own buttocks – a practice that has caused him severe back pain.  This syndrome is believed to have been caused by the patient’s praying 5 times a day and banging his head over 200 times on a hard floor.  

 

“Hmmm.  Well.  We see this with boxers and high platform divers.  The constant trauma to the brain occasioned by repeatedly punishing the forehead with blows on stone causes nausea, nystagmus and obsessive-compulsive behavior – some quite bizarre.  This kind of prayer must stop before it becomes too widespread and epidemic, especially in a country, like ours, where psychiatric disorders are the rule.”  Dr. Damanhoori continued visiting his patients.

In an effort to learn more about this practice, I dressed in the traditional garb of an Egyptian woman, and attended afternoon prayers at the Al-Tabl Mosque in Heliopolis.  Seated next to other Egyptians, I carefully watched the men, on the other side, as they went through their devotionals.  I was shocked.  About 20 of them started to bang their heads as though they were trying to break the surface of the marble floor.  One became so caught up in the act of slamming his brains on the floor that the shaykh, who was leading the prayers, rushed over to his extended backside and kicked him in the groin to stop him from crushing his own skull.  The man, who should have been taken to a mental hospital, was, instead, complimented for his piety by obviously militant parishioners.  We knew they were militants because they all pulled out guns and and celebrated by firing into the ceiling of the mosque. (Photo of the same man seen below)

 

It was clear that religiosity could be hurtful.  We noted that among ancient Christians, it was common in Syria to have monks living on the tops of pillars.  St. Symeon the Sylite was once such brave soul whose own shrine still stands today near Aleppo.  The practice of living on such pillars even spread to Germany where, unfortunately, the climate was not as accommodating and most monks perished due to frostbite and some would say, even – stupidity.

We spoke to the visiting Jamaican Muslim missionary, Ayatollah Savonorola Coca-Cola, known to many (because of his love for media attention as “The Ayatollah Motorola” or “Ayatollah Motormouth”) about this phenomenon – zabeeba. His answer was also shocking if not for its lack of content, then, for its seeming gibberish:

“Oh, Mann!  Ditz za brrraaainn Mann.  Itz’all da brrrraaaaaaiiiiin, Mann. Louie! Louie! Everrry nite a ten, I do it agaainn, Mann. Diz li’l gahl she wait for me. Mann.”  We noted a very large zabeeba on his forehead.

     Brunhilde, seen here leaving the mosque after the shocking scene described in this article.

Conclusions? Too much prayer can destroy your brain cells.  One Muslim cleric seemed to sum up the situation quite nicely. He asked that his name remain confidential out of fear that some fanatic with a zabeeba might try to behead him.

“I don’t know if Allah cares about having a big splotch on your forehead.  Most scholars agree that Allah would not care about that any more than when a baseball player makes the sign of the cross before he strikes out at home plate.” 

  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Ana Arabi wa Ismi Lubnan
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Ana Arabi wa Ismi Lubnan

I’m not sure of what to say….
Should I be laughing or confused?

jay
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
jay
well i dont understand you mr ziad are you anti-islam and and if so how can you,im a muslim and and im from the u.s.a and im a supporter of the syrian goverment,im a believe in truth and justice and if your from syria and been around islam you should know that what these rats are doing is not the true forum of islam and no true follower of islam will condone what there doing i hate to see anyone murder are harm,In america we dont call that islam we call it hislam,there following what they think or believe it… Read more »
Big Mo
Guest
Level 0 - Anonymous
Big Mo
Ayman Al Zawahiri is a Salafist Monster Hypocrite, that should be put to Death! The Creator does not hear the prayers of such a Barbaric Animal! I’m very happy about the good news coming out of Syria, It seems that it won’t be long now before the Syrian People are well on their way back to freedom and Independence. Lets not forget the commitment Partnership of the Iranian Gov, Hizballah and our Russian friends. The SAA, NDF, and Syrian people would not have survived, had it not been for the friends of Syria. Syria should never forget her friends who… Read more »
captaincorto
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian
captaincorto

Oh, Mann! Da greener da grass, da younger da virginz, da bigger da zabeeba!

Shanti, bro!

cc

teevee
Guest
Level 5 - Tribunus Militum
teevee

very interesting article about the conspiracy against Syrian people from day one.
http://rinf.com/alt-news/editorials/media-disinformation-protest-movement-syria/?

Why No Tefillin?
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
Why No Tefillin?

no comment

Canthama
Guest
Level 8 - Legatus Legionis
Canthama

Hilarious.

Mentat
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
Mentat

No, this was a quite unfunny effort. It comes across as forced, rather than witty or original. Sadly, this does not qualify as actual humour.

Canthama
Guest
Level 8 - Legatus Legionis
Canthama

You answer is also hilarious.

Mentat
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
Mentat

Touché !

Mentat the Muppet
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
Mentat the Muppet

Statler and Waldorf,every court needs a jester,get a friend and change your call sign.

The Great Gonzo journalist
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
The Great Gonzo journalist
Ian Hoare
Guest
Level 1 - Novice

ETF will it take for you to lighten up

school sucks project
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
school sucks project

Jesus Christ,Mentat you got a promotion how’s that fit with your egalitarian view of the world,well i gotta say your not an idiot,but please you need to focus on the enemy,as for me,school were the worst two weeks of my life.

Bogdan
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Bogdan

Ziad, there no mountains in Bora Bora, just nice beaches 🙂
TORA BORA is in Afghanistan 🙂

Bagpuss
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Bagpuss

I facepalmed so much reading this, I’ve developed my very own zabeeba! Thanks Ziad.

dudleydoright911
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus

Good Lord where is an mil hind when you need it:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6bd_1398799355

a convoy of savages heading apparently to fight more savages. I notice more than a few full sized american pickups in that convoy. Are those common generally in Syria? I wouldn’t have thought so. My sense is that the West has been for years sending trucks to jordan and turkey to get outfitted. May god damn them all.

catastrophic
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
catastrophic

Armageddon Near As Russia Orders “All-Out War” On Petrodollar

i see dead muppets
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
i see dead muppets
Symeon the Stylite was What David Blaine Only Pretends to Be The man had a real hate-on for the pussified way all the rest of us live and decided he couldn’t take it any more. At first he tried to shun the luxuries of mid 5th century life by shutting himself in a little ramshackle Unabomber-style hut for three years, where he figured not eating or drinking anything at all for the entire period of Lent would be a good idea. After the hut proved too expansive and extravagant for him, Symeon packed up his loincloth and moved to a… Read more »
timo
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
timo

Can I help him crush the head fixed?

face of a horse brain of an ass
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
face of a horse brain of an ass
30 April 2014, 00:49 NATO’s world leadership is now at stake – Kerry US Secretary of State John Kerry has made a speech about NATO’s role in connection with the situation in Ukraine. He believes that in the current situation, even the smallest cut of NATO’s financing is totally out of the question. “We have to make it absolutely clear to the Kremlin that NATO territory is inviolable. We will defend every single piece of it,” John Kerry said. http://voiceofrussia.com/world/
freegypsyman
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian
freegypsyman

this is a modern sample of the west:

the reactionary fascist (puppet) government of ukraine sends weapons via “democratic” germany to reactionary syrian rebels, called jihadists

“democratic” “freedom” societies nowadays = fascistic reactionary oligarchies lead by the global finance and corporate mafia

peace = war

truth = lie

god = money (materialism)

freegypsyman
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian
freegypsyman
Melik Ric
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Melik Ric

Good stuff Ziad! Keep it up!

CHEVI789
Guest
Level 7 - Tribunus Angusticlavius

lmfao, nice one Ziad.

ThinkerMD
Guest
Level 1 - Novice

Not sure whether to find this amusing or a veiled insult toward islam. I support the syrian cause, but this makes me question the author of this page

Mentat
Guest
Level 6 - Praefectus
Mentat

The author’s bigotry shines through in many ways, and he is also a hypocrite, having failed to notice that this same feature is not unknown amongst pious Iranian leadership, whose help in the war he is quick to grasp.

M
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian

hahahahahahaaha, excellent article, I was LOL!!
Interesting article about Ukraine “crysis”:
http://www.storyleak.com/ukraine-deception-useu-directed-coup-detat-exposes/

Hate to admit
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian
Hate to admit

Yahood or Calling itself Moderate Christian, ZIAD it is unexpected from you as peace lover enthusiasm or being sarcasm at all.. You do claim that you are an ARAB but offending Muslim et all.. May Allah give you some wisdom and hope you love your Country but not for Fame… Peace bu upon You ZIAD.

Mr. jumblatt
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Mr. jumblatt

this is a stupid, inflammatory, anti islamic and deeply offensive article, being a regular reader, I will now stop using your website, your childish language and their general asinine nature reviles journalists such as me.

Luc
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
Luc

If those islamic fucktards would have a minimal sense of humour and relativation, they would have a zabeeba on their dick in stead of that shit sign on their forehead.

King@Syria
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
King@Syria

you’re the retard

Amir
Guest
Level 3 - Praetorian
Amir
Yo Ziad LMAO…. thanks a million!!! Very funny indeed !! As a muslim apostate I urge muslims generally to chill . They are all too quick to take offence at satire (excellent satire). They don’t seem to develop enough emotional maturity to understand satire. I thought the article was both creative and very funny. Reminds me of that Monty Python humour (Life of Brian etc). Great website (for all those many reasons I have previously listed). Well done bro and keep on truckin’. As for Mr. Mentat … well what can I say. He seems to be intelligent (up to… Read more »
SG Fella
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
SG Fella

Ziad I think you have too many readers already now that syr per is famous and you can afford not to have some of them at syr per anymore? I hope not. Go easy on this man!… Cheers.

Ozsceptic
Guest
Level 7 - Tribunus Angusticlavius
Ozsceptic
OK Ziad, very funny and rates a ‘9’. However, my ’10’ vote goes to the jews. Banging heads on a stone floor just doesn’t compare to what the orthodox jews engage in at the wailing wall in old Jew-rusalem. They simulate intercourse with the wall, praying fervently while they give the wall the old heave-ho,complete with vigorous pelvic thrusts. TRUE! It’s called “Davening. – See vid and read more at: http://givingpsychologyaway.com/?p=52#1uQRJxkF25K2BSa2.99 Great reading lately – lots of good news, your razor-sharp wit, frustrated loser-trolls and one cranky ‘mentat. I love it!!! Thanks for being there for us and for the… Read more »
biersauer
Guest
Level 1 - Novice
biersauer

Yes, he can demage the brain in psychically! This prayers are named “Hassprediger” demaging brain by faith of Koran.

from iNDIA
Guest
Level 0 - Anonymous
from iNDIA

I love your humour.

The Thylacine
Guest
Level 7 - Tribunus Angusticlavius
The Thylacine
Great take-down Ziad. My thoughts exactly. The Hindu calls it a tilak, and paints it on, possibly to avoid the brain injury. Ah, the wisdom of the East! In the cause of even-handedness I present a few lines, that all extremists may be equally offended: “Down with the Vatican. Down with Opus Dei. Down with Brahmins and their BJP. Down with the Taliban. Down with Westboro Baptist Church. Down with Mormon Fundamenta­list polygamist­s. Down with Scientologists. Down with Haredis. Down with Zionists. Down with Jemaah Islamiya. Down with the Wahhabis. Down with the Muslim Brotherhoo­d. All backslider­s. All charlatans. All… Read more »