“What do you mean I’m a desert loving Englishman?” asks the clearly perturbed monarch of the Grand Duchy of Jordan
AXIOM ONE: No matter who your bloody mother really is, your real mother is England.
AXIOM TWO: If your real biological mother is English, then you’re all set.
AXIOM THREE: Never trust a Palestinian. Palestinians are naggers. No I didn’t say the other word. I said “Naggers”.
AXIOM FOUR: Never trust a Jew. But always trust a Jew when it comes to Palestinians.
AXIOM FIVE: Palestinians can only be trusted more when it comes to Syrians.
AXIOM SIX: In truth, don’t trust anybody, especially Hashemites.
AXIOM SEVEN: Anyone who is taller than 5’4” cannot be a Hashemite.
AXIOM EIGHT: Never stand next to your wife in front of a camera if you’re a Hashemite. She will always be taller.
HRH King Abdullah Ibn Antoinette Avril Gardiner zawjat Hussein Ibn Zayn stands next to his Palestinian wife who is kneeling at his feet.
AXIOM NINE: Never stand next to anyone unless he or she stands in a pot hole. The exceptions are: Davutoghlu, Bouteflika, Sarkozy, Linda Hunt and Danny Devito.
AXIOM TEN: Betray everyone and don’t take offense when they find out and backbite.
AXIOM ELEVEN: Anger is for the weak. Remember, there is always the country home in Kent for retirement and the billions squirreled away in the Isle of Man.
AXIOM TWELVE: When confronted with an insurgency, build a mosque or cower at the feet of a Saudi.
AXIOM THIRTEEN: All Hashemites are Masons. But, not all Masons are Hashemites.
AXIOM FOURTEEN: Your army is only as good as the Shekels in the officers’ Tel Aviv accounts.
AXIOM FIFTEEN: Entertain terrorists in your country but always reserve the right to betray them.
AXIOM SIXTEEN: The best money is inherited money. The second best is the Irish Lottery.
AXIOM SEVENTEEN: Keep all secrets to yourself until you want to destroy somebody. Then rat fink!
AXIOM EIGHTEEN: Keep your friends close. But keep your enemies in prison until they go insane.
AXIOM NINETEEN: If your enemies do not go insane in prison, send them to Libya where they will go insane.
AXIOM TWENTY: If the Libyans don’t drive them insane, recall your ambassador for consultation.
AXIOM TWENTY ONE: Dressing up like a stupid Arab bedouin is necessary to maintain pretenses for the Bani Sakhr and Huwaytaat.
“Hey, Abdul, why do we have to wear these Italian tablecloths all the time?”. The young heir apparent (far right) was also puzzled.
AXIOM TWENTY TWO: If you’ve been caught letting Americans train terrorists in Jordan to overthrow a president of a neighboring country, go visit Moscow – make exorbitant promises – buy a reactor.
AXIOM TWENTY THREE: Make sure you always have your finger on the country’s water spigot. If they complain, send the water to the Jews.
AXIOM TWENTY FOUR: Make sure to always have payment for water sent by the Jews to your bank on the Isle of Man.
AXIOM TWENTY FIVE: Always try to seem moderate even if you are hosting an army of cannibals.
AXIOM TWENTY SIX: Nothing is wrong with cannibals unless they’re eating your skin.
AXIOM TWENTY SEVEN: Don’t ever offer your skin to a cannibal.
AXIOM TWENTY EIGHT: Saudis are dreadful, smelly people. Always daub your nostrils with Vaporub before meeting them.
AXIOM TWENTY NINE: If the Vicks Vaporub doesn’t work, douse them with formaldehyde and light them up.
AXIOM THIRTY: Most Saudis can be lit up without an accelerant. Most Saudis are lit up drunk anyways.
Prince Fustuq Bin ‘Abdul-‘Azeez Bin Khurayyaan, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to Amman, lights up the evening with his sister, Khallaa’ah, at the Raghadaan Palace. He had just swallowed 7 Captagon pills, courtesy of his cousin Bandar, and started snorting Lebanese Red Hash. It was scandalous.