(New York City, N.Y., MNS reporter Brunhilde Liebesbombe with staff photographer Ogden Orffe): The well-kept secret behind the sudden departure of Attorney General Eric Holder from his post has been leaked by officials at the White House in a seemingly orchestrated effort to embarrass the president. MNS has learned that an “obsession” with Robert DeNiro forced the president’s hand in demanding Holder’s resignation before his alleged “psychosis” became public. It appears that Mr. Holder believes strongly that Syrian terrorist leader, Zahran Alloush of the “Army of Islam” is, in fact, Robert DeNiro (one of the world’s most laurelled actors) and that Mr. DeNiro’ absence from the Hollywood scene for four years is explained by his leadership of the anti-Assad, Saudi-supported terrorist organization.
We spoke to former head of Syria’s General Security Directorate, Lt. General Ali Mamlouk, about this over the telephone. General Mamlouk now advises the Syrian president about internal security matters. We asked him to discuss the whereabouts of Zahran Alloush who is believed by some very prestigious news sources, especially Syrian Perspective, to be holed up in the farm areas around Douma. General Mamlouk was quick to dismiss such speculation as “the fantasies of wine-addled derelicts” and asserted that Syrian military intelligence sources continue to be puzzled by Alloush’s disappearance. “I doubt he could be Mr. DeNiro. Although, they do resemble each other, ” he remarked. “We may have to put out our first warrant for the arrest of an American actor. Our only other one is for Danny the Syrian from England. He was a terrible actor. And, don’t worry, we don’t sell people to ISIS. Ha,ha, ha.”
“……they do resemble each other,” remarked Lt. General Ali Mamlouk
It is common knowledge that Attorney General, Eric Holder, suffered from periods of what Hortense Snifter, a former aide, called “creepy behavior”. Holder reportedly launched a fan club for the Gabor sisters recently after bedizened actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, legendary Hungarian tart, polyandrist, nonagenarian and shameless gold digger, announced that Joan Rivers “deserved to die”. Rivers, herself, an obnoxious New York Jewess with the mannerisms of a chimpanzee suffering alcoholic withdrawal, constantly hectored Madame Gabor with references to her record number of facelifts. Rivers once suggested that when Gabor fainted, the EMS didn’t know whether to take Gabor to hospital or a polyurethane factory.
After and Before. Zsa Zsa, besides marrying fatalistic and perennially constipated British actor, George Sanders, inter alia, introduced many American expressions that will survive her 93 years: “Air head”, “Space Cadet”, “Ditzy Blonde”, “Dumbuffski”, “Hunkie Whore” and so many others which made her the “daahling” of all millionaires who were despised, frustrated and marginalized weasels in high school. On the right, Zsa Zsa can be seen involved in her favorite activity.
The Gabor Sisters fan club event was reported to Mr. Obama who, reportedly, consulted with the First Lady. Michelle Obama immediately suggested that Mr. Holder be “quietly sent to Coventry”, so to speak. But, there was more to this. Prior to the eruption of the the scandal concerning the Gabor Sisters Fan Club, the President was told about Holder’s idee fixe regarding Robert De Niro being a notorious Syrian terrorist. The Prez brushed off all recommendations that Mr. Holder be fired and opted for “benign neglect”, as Ms. Snifter called it. The situation turned much worse. FBI Director, James Comey, told MNS that he started to get calls from Mr. Holder,every day, asking him: “ ‘Did you arrest De Niro yet?’ Of course, we couldn’t because Mr. De Niro hadn’t done anything. The resemblance to Alloush is uncanny, though. Some of our field agents started to look for forensic evidence that would prove Alloush was De Niro.”
Our Investigative Team was directed to the only man who might be able to explain this serpentine narrative. Only Martin Scorsese, De Niro’s longtime director and mentor, could unravel it all. What he told us was shocking!
We met up with Mr. Scorsese as he was involved in his beloved avocation: talking endlessly. In Central Park, we discovered him confabulating with pigeons while holding a bag of bread crumbs which he refused to share with the notorious avian predators:
MNS: Hello, Mr. Scorsese. What an honor. I love your movies. Could I talk to you about Robert De Niro?
SCORSESE: Yeah. Bobby. Sure. Yeah. Good actor. No personality dough.
MNS: What do you mean by that?
SCORSESE: Bobby, he’s like da guy in da script. You give him a script and he becomes dat person until he gets anudda script. Remember, Jake LaMotta? “Raging Bull”. He became a boxah for weeks till we shook him out with anudda script.
Martin Scorsese tormented pigeons by pretending to feed them. He kept his bag of bread crumbs for himself
MNS: So,what is the problem now?
SCORSESE: ‘Bout four yeahs ago, we gat dis idea for a new flick ‘bout terrorists. A yeee afta dat, right? we get da script from dis Yid from Brooklyn, right?, ‘about a guy named Balabaan Ballaboosh, or sometin. A real killa. Haarrible. Haarible! An, da kicker is he looks just like Bobby. Dead ringa. Bobby takes da script and flies ta Syracuse, I guess……
MNS: You mean Syria, probably.
SCORSESE: Nah, Syracuse. Gotta be……Anyhow, he comes back lookin’ even mo like Calabash, or whatevah. Couldn’t shake him. Bobby started lightin’ fires in people’s homes in Bay Ridge. We kept it quiet, me and da studios. He stahted goin’ to Muslim restaurants ta eat falafil. Anyways, he almost killed my aunt Dolly in dis fayah, right?. Y’know. We sorta knew da FBI was getting hip, right?
MNS: So, that solves the mystery. DeNiro is not Zahraan Alloush.
SCORSESE: Nah. He izzzzzz Balaboosh. He’s every characta he’s gotta be. Bobby is yer man.
MNS: Well. I don’t know. It sounds all so veerd. Oops.
SCORSESE: Hey, you a kraut? Sound like one.
MNS: I am from Austria.
SCORSESE: Dey all say dat. You just wanna avoid the Katzenburg War Crimes trial.
MNS: Mr. Scorsese. Why don’t you feed the pigeons?
SCORCESE: Oh, yeah. Right. Da bread’s for da veal cutlets. I never feed these flyin’ rats.
We left Mr. Scorsese even more puzzled. We called a number given to us by an informant who claimed it was Mr. DeNiro’s at his Long Island home. The answering machine was very telling:
“Thank you and Allah be praised. Listen goofball! I’m out doin’ Allah’s work in Coney Island. You are all infidels. You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Salami Salami Baloney. Blip.”
Mr. Holder seen here watching reruns of the long-running television series, Green Acres, starring Zsa Zsa’s sister, Eva Gabor. “Golly, ain’t she cute?”, he comments. His relationship to the Gabors is now being investigated by the FBI. Mr. Holder has reportedly been committed to the Walter Reade Center for Deviant Behavior.