We are winding our way down to the end of the year and that means the awards will start coming with increasing frequency. Today, the Board of Governors of Syrian Perspective and the Arts Council of the Mercury News Service announced the finalists in the competition for the “Jacques Clouseau Prize”. This much-desired award goes to those members of the Syrian Opposition Military whose exploits and military accomplishments have captured the imagination of a large segment of the Comedy Writers Union headquartered in Tijuana, Mexico. Here is the first nominee:
1. ZAHRAAN ‘ALLOOSH: ‘Alloosh has proven that one can conduct a military campaign even while huddling under a blanket in a spider hole somewhere around Damascus – specifically: Doumaa. The blanket which he has kept for over 38 years was one with which his mother used to swaddle him as a baby. He has been seen issuing draconian instructions to his lieutenants while clutching feverishly at the blanket seeking inspiration and assurance from it. ‘Alloosh normally denounces Shi’is and ‘Alawis only when the blanket is within sight. He calls it “Hanoonti”, which is what his mother used to call him.
‘Alloosh’s genius in battle cannot be underestimated. It’s not easy to command a force of over 50,000 Islamist murderers and riffraff only to lose 45,000 of them to the Syrian Army, ISIS, Nusra, AIDS, Captagon, whooping cough, desertion, sinus congestion, Amnesty Program, leprosy, acne and heartburn. ‘Alloosh recently delivered an inspiring speech from his favorite culvert in Al-Ibb Farms to his troops, on his Facebook page, excoriating “apostates” and “unclean devil worshipers” for the fall of the Ma`rib Dam in Yemen, not to mention the short-lived Umayyad Dynasty, the death of Joan Rivers and the Ebola virus.
In happier days, ‘Alloosh is seen here screaming: “On to Samarqand!”. (Unfortunately, Samarqand was in the other direction.) The one seated to his right is a former Dearborn, Michigan resident by the name of Hassan “The Raghead” Kawchookji who is evading an arrest warrant in the U.S. for running a numbers racket for jihadists in Brooklyn, N.Y. (See United States v. “Chingachkook” a/k/a “Kawchookji”, 18 S.Ct. 2098, 456 U.S.1462, 30 L.Ed.2d 11)
2. RIYAADH AL-AS’AD: People in the U.S. used to say of JFK, “Gosh, we never knew you”. And so it is said also of the great former Syrian Air Force Colonel Riyaadh Al-As’ad. Al-As’ad, (honest to God!), is a founder of the notional grouping called the Free Syrian Army. This is the military the U.S. and its allies wanted to lead the revolt against the Syrian government in order to replace it with a brown-nosing, arse-licking, line-toeing, sycophantish, servile oligarchy of obsequious oafs. As it turned out for the genii in D.C., they would have been luckier to get the Salvation Army.
Al-As’ad spent his adult life in the Syrian Air Force. He eventually reached the rank of colonel, but, was pitilessly relegated to tasks involving keeping runways clear of sand and ice cream wrappers. Although he claims to be an engineer, the only accomplishment he ever “engineered” were some Romanian male orphans gifted to the Ameer of Qatar by Ahmad Jarbaa when he was running his laureled “Hasaka Hookers and Hookas, Inc.”. Al-As’ad’s role was in directing the Tupolev aircraft to an isolated runway near Al-Qaa`im. When the Syrian government closed down the brothel run by Jarbaa, Al-As’ad did not get his “bakhsheesh” for the event and vowed “eternal revenge” against Assad.
Al-As’ad, seen here in this iconic photograph, entertains bizarre ideas about the origins of the planets. He claims to be descended from aliens on the Planet Zontar to which he was about to visit by “folding space” once he donned his signature magical cape. Robert Ford’s hands can be seen helping the colonel to prepare for his departure.
Al-As’ad came to his position with many deficits, one of which was a tendency to attract disaster, not unlike the fictional character whose eponymous award he is trying to win. The colonel has a tendency to lose limbs in combat and in failed assassinations. Why, he even loses sons as he did last year when some nasty person tried to blow up his car in Turkey killing his son who, like his papa, deserted and joined the ranks of the nihilists financed by the Arabian monkeys.
“Look Ma, no feet”. Al-As’ad seen after his leg-wrenching mishap in Mayaadeen in March 2013. He was to get another crack at death in Turkey which took the life of his son.
3. SALEEM IDREES: Martinet, Miles Gloriosus, Mengele look-alike, muffin-head. Such words immediately come to mind when talking about this symbol of the down-curve in American foreign policy. He succeeded Al-As’ad to the leadership of the amorphous body called the FSA. Unlike Al-As’ad who was a mere colonel responsible for sweeping airbase runways and procuring preteen boy-toys for Arabian pederasts, Idrees was a full general tasked with inspecting toilet facilities and detecting foot fungus sufferers at the Aleppo Infantry Academy. He was later seconded to the Television Repair Directorate overseeing the replacement of television sets at the Ba’ath Party Regional Command Branch Office -Aleppo. You see, the general is an East German-trained electrician.
The resemblance to Dr. Josef Mengele is uncanny, as I’ve said before. Here, in this photo, circa 2010, Idrees is tempted with a visa to Darwin, Australia, and a life of chasing flying crocodiles.
Idrees was unceremoniously dumped by his loyalists after he was caught hording weapons sent by the United States through its various surrogates in Turkey. He was accused of preferring certain units to others in an alleged whitewash, drain-and-starve scheme to sell the weapons to the Boko Haram in Nigeria. One FSA unit, calling itself the “Fighting Fairies of Falluja”, was on the receiving end of most of his largesse, (that’s pronounced lar-jess – although he has that other one also), and flaunted the new weapons in scandalous ribald poses with Turkish officers at the border crossing near Reyhanli. When confronted by members of the “Battle of Badr Barking Butterball Brigades” about the insufferable disgrace brought to their organization, Idrees calmly retorted: “Oh, that’s just R & R. They’ll be back in action soon. Here, take a Captagon pill.”
Idrees, ever the Syrian patriot, now lives in Doha, Qatar. He has been hired by the Al-Thaani family to light the Christmas tree at the “John Wayne Gacy International Airport” in the capital. After all, he is an electrician.
4. ‘ABDUL-ILAAH AL-BASHEER AL-NU’AYMI. This bamboozling rodent spends most of his time learning Yiddish in a school in Safad and visiting injured Nusra terrorists in the nearby hospital. He reached the rank of Brigadier General because of his tribal affiliations. Any look at this ding-dong’s face tells you he’s definitely tribal. He has managed to do the impossible: He has turned a sow’s ear into another sow’s ear. When he succeeded the illustrious Saleem Idrees as the “Chief of Staff of the Free Syrian Army”, he vowed to expand the horizons of his team of traitors, deviants, derelicts, spooks and ne’er-do-wells. What he has wrought instead is a bag of gas; another pretentious sounding acronym made to order for the John McCains of this world. For, as you will see, this wanker has defaulted and abdicated his role in favor of the only effective American-created fighting forces in Syria: ISIS and Nusra.
Would you buy a used car from this dude? We think not. But, Obama is asking for more money to insure this former SAA officer lives in luxury for the rest of his miserable life. That may not be too long away what with the fine young cannibals hovering around him.
Al-Basheer can now proudly order a “corned beef sandwich on the lean side”; “bagel lox and creamed cheese sandwich”; “fragles”; “old dills”; “Gefilte Fish without the schkudda”; “matzo ball soup”; “pickled herring” and all the other delicacies Eastern European Jews brought to Palestine. Why, he’s reportedly begun mispronouncing his Arabic: “Khummus”, “Khalva” and “Khagha!”. It’s even gotten worse as he now mispronounces English words to sound like he’s a Jew: “Let’s go togezzare to my muzzare’s viz my brozzare”, for example. All the while, as he polishes his image to erase vestiges of his yokel origins, he remains, nonetheless, in the eyes of his beholders, nothing more than a cheap Syrian imitation of Jed Clampett. Or, maybe worse, Pa Kettle.
Al-Basheer has no field command experience and that’s because nobody in his right mind would put the lives of innocent Syrian soldiers in his trust. The Zionists nurture him for the reason that they like to isolate the traits they most prefer in Arabs – traits that when multiplied beget innocuous, sterile, impotent, monochromatic, Manichean, bibulous buffoons who leave behind a society of nothing more than blackened stools. How can Zionism not prosper in such an environment?
5. ABU MUHAMMAD AL-JAWLAANI: Nobody can have carte blanche with the lives of tens of thousands of committed airheads unless he works for Mephistopheles himself. This is one rat, a King Rat, who also herds the flies of this earth. It must be a nightmare to receive the kind of casualty reports he daily peruses to see his Empire of Fly Afterbirths shrivel by the truckload. Like Satan, he is at war with existence – he needs to end it by reversing creation which he does by warring with the Syrian Army, ISIS and everybody else who steps on the spent merd hill he calls his home. His nihilism is further enhanced by those who support him: Erdoghan and the Qatari primates. Obama and Cameron. The Zionist Abomination.
Al-Jawlaani’s name is like that of the Hebrew G-d – it cannot be known. Or, it’s like the 100th name of Allah for Muslims. It is known only to God. His nom de guerre suggests he’s from the Golan Heights although the toponymics here might be to confuse those who would like to do him in. But, SyrPer has his name on file. We can now reveal it to our readership with the understanding that it is not to be uttered. It must be kept within you. Do not speak it lest ye be turned into a pile of Jacqueline Susann novels. For he is the one and only, HERSCHEL BARUCH BLAHUNGSTEIN.
It is hard to conceive of anyone who has done more to strengthen the Zionist Ghetto State than this Satan worshiper. No one has done more to distract the eyes of the world from the grim reality of Palestinian life under the heels of the Nazi- Khazar SS “Einsatzgruppen”. Nobody has claimed to be for Syrian Muslims while he contributes mightily to the demolition of their homes, sanctuaries and antiquities. Do not believe, even for one moment, that there is some good in everyone. This son of a fly came straight from Hell. He was already dead and sent to our world from the cesspool that is Arabia; from the swamp that’s Erdoghan’s mind; from the bubbling sewer that is Washington D.C. ZAF