The good news is the new Obama candidate for Secretary of Defense is not an artificially inseminated, unmarried black, Hispanic or Jewish lesbian Harvard Law School graduate fighting AIDS. The bad news is that the president picked a pinkish-white, Gentile reincarnation of General Curtis LeMay; educated at Yale and Oxford as a theoretical physicist; with nary a day of service in the military but infected with a pugnacity worthy of a Pit Bull on amphetamines. Ashton “Ash” Baldwin Carter is the Anointed One. The Republican war criminals are already celebrating the reigniting of Cold War II by predicting Carter’s smooth approval at the hands of a demented new Congress of blue-haired imbeciles itching for a new Operation Barbarossa – this time, led by a chastened Germany with America cheering on in the bleachers. But, will the Germans play along?
Carter is a Ph.D. in theoretical physics which means he sees the universe in terms of unknowns and untestables. He predicts facts which cannot exist in the real world we inhabit and, therefore, we can expect his tenure at the Pentagon to be other-worldly, possibly even macabre, bizarre or just kooky. His education in physics probably means he understands Einstein’s General and Special Theories, an especially desirable qualification when one is serving “President Relativity” himself.
He was educated at Yale with a major in physics and a minor in medieval history. Both disciplines are indicators that our new candidate is equipped to deal with modern scientific concepts, but, with the mentality of a Templar Knight.
He received his Ph.D. in theoretical physics from Oxford University while on a Rhodes Scholarship. That was former president Clinton’s status, also, at Oxford. Unfortunately, the once prestigious Rhodes institution has undergone some changes to its presumed grandeur and allure occasioned by the association with America’s sex-addicted, porn-peddling, borderline pedophile and libertine ex-prez who has created an automatic subliminal connection with gross satyriasis, lechery and tawdriness coupled with marriage to a maladroit, carpet-bagging termagant whose porcine orbs are fixated on that 21st Century bawdyhouse on Pennsylvania Avenue. It almost seems like science fiction, doesn’t it? Stepford Wives Meet the Body Snatchers on Dune.
Like George Wallace’s somewhat eyebrow-raising pick for a vice presidential nomination, General Curtis LeMay, whose unique view of the world (and its demolition) was satirized in Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove” in the form of Brig. General Jack D. Ripper, played by the late Sterling Hayden, Mr. Carter has his own peculiar methods for initiating Armageddon. By jingo, he actually and seriously proposed a scheme to wipe out North Korea’s planned launching of an ICBM in 2006 using cruise missiles with tactical nuclear warheads! If it had not been for George W. Bush’s emergency trip to Crawford to attend to his prize bull, Buford, suffering from some intestinal disorder, SyrPer and its readers may not have been in existence in 2014 to compose and read this elegant draft, (respectively).
John McCain is reportedly “head-over-heels” with the nomination of Dr. Strangelove. He is everything a war monger could possibly want. Carter is expected to view Jabhat Al-Nusra (Al-Qaeda) as a natural ally in the war against secularism in Syria. Given his Oxonian credentials, he’ll find the right kind of sophistry to distinguish America’s actions against ISIS in Iraq from those in Syria. Already, Saudi monkeys are greeting the news by cracking open thousands of crates of bananas in Jedda and Yanbu’ to commemorate the arrival of their Savior, the One who will bring down the progressive government of Dr. Assad in Damascus and replace it with a mind-strangling bale of mental tortoises with claws tenaciously rooted in the Wahhabist Dark Ages. Hosanna in the Highest!
If Curtis LeMay had his way, nobody would have outlived him in the Endloosung he planned for humanity.
Well, as you all begin rehabilitating your bomb shelters and replenishing your supplies of pork and beans, dried prunes, and half-gallon bottles of Kessler Whiskey, remember, it may not all be that bad. He is an Ivy Leaguer – those same rudderless, epicene stuffed shirts who have been misguiding this country for the last 100 years. If Carter is as typical an Obama appointee as I think he is, he’ll mostly likely wind up facing his most serious challenges at the Pentagon in covering up his own sexual assault cases, outing gays and buying a cheaper toilet seat. ZAF