Jawbar: Here’s one which is going to have all English pedophiles crying. Yesterday, the Syrian Army Engineering Corps were informed about a tunnel close to 15 meters deep which was being dug by the rats of “Faylaq Al-Rahmaan” (yawn). For days SAA-MI have been monitoring the progress and allowing the rodents to fill the tunnel with C-4 and other accelerants. When the time was right, MI gave the go-ahead to detonate the tunnel with stun grenades by digging down from the top which must have caused quite a stir among the shivering rodents inside. To protect the soldiers deploying the hand grenades, the engineers reportedly developed a way to drop the grenades into the holes from a distance. I am not allowed to tell you how.
But it gets even better. The tunnel, you see, was being dug between 2 buildings each housing a complement of rodents belonging to the same organization When the tunnel went “BOOM”!, the 2 buildings collapsed taking all rodents down to a cold Hell made of concrete and stolen goods. At this moment, it is estimated that 41 rats went down with the buildings while it has been very difficult to count the carcasses in the tunnel. The SAA is reportedly planning to let the carcasses ferment in the sun.
DOUMAA: Zahraan ‘Alloosh’s Deputy and the Grand Mufti of Malarkey has been killed by the SAA. His name was Sameer Al-Ka’ki who knew as much about Islam as Captain Kangaroo. He and 6 other leaders were vaporized when an artillery shell fired by the SAA made a direct hit on the unlucky concupiscent cleric’s cupola. He was was reputedly an aficionado of British child molesters. (I kid you not).
Al-Ka’ki, seen here post artillery shell. His carcass will be donated to the Damascus Veterinarians Hospital for Monkeys.