Umm Faadi of Dal’oona, Lebanon, expresses the feelings of most Syrians when asked about the sudden death of veteran simian diplomat, Sa’ood Al-Faysal.
Ah, death. William Cullen Bryant espoused its relaxing character so eloquently in his monumental poem, Thanatopsis. For many, it is the end of temporal suffering and the beginning of a new existence in the hidden world beyond sight and sound. (R. Serling) For many others, it’s just a drag – as in Mick Jagger’s: “What a drag it is getting’ old”. And then, for many, and especially when it has to do with another person’s death – well – it’s just the cat’s meow. And so, we come to the departure of one of Allah’s most perfidious servants – a being whose beak resembled that of a buzzard but whose metabolism suggested ape origins. The monkey-vulture passed away 3 days ago after a long battle with twitching, salivating, blurting, spouting, mumbling, fumbling, stumbling and other forms of spasmodic gesticulations appropriate for a Gibbon monkey on amphetamines. These minor foibles did not prevent him from reaching the lowest nadir of diplomatic achievement as he single-handedly guided his pre-Cambrian Zombie Kingdom into the Triassic Age.
During his last visit to Turkey, Sa’ood is personally fed by Recep Tayyip Erdoghan, as the Saudi prince was unable to remove his hands from his (Erdoghan’s) crotch.
He died in Los Angeles, thousands of miles from his birthplace. According to observers of “royal family behavior”, the prince was touring LA with British actor, Hugh Grant, who promised him a “jolly old time” in the American sin capital. What Mr. Hughes did not know, evidently, was that Prince Sa’ood had been diagnosed with simiano-arabico-geriatricitis or more commonly known as “Rag Head Fruit Fly Syndrome” (RHFFS) a condition which when left untreated causes the sufferer to bed-wet when not in bed and to shake uncontrollably whenever in the presence of Christians. It is also believed that the prince suffered from AIDS attendant to what was described by his spokes-rat as caused by “the prince’s hunger for life”. Commentators have interpreted this as “pedophilia”.
The prince’s last statement before his death came at a meeting just at the onset of the attack on Yemen when he said: “We are not war mongers. But, if the drums of war begin beating, then we are ready for it.” Sadly, the prince did not live long enough to see his own air force bombing Saudi soldiers who declared their allegiance to the Yemeni army.
All over the world, politicians and men of good will praised Sa’ood Al-Faysal in their own way:
“He was a cool dude. Always did what he was told. We’re gonna miss him here in Washington.” Barack Obama from the WH.
“He was a man of peace, even when he was personally delivering suitcases filled with money to Oussama Bin Laden and Abu Muhammad Al-Jawlaani. Those two will definitely miss him. Or, I mean, the last one will. We killed Bin Laden in Pakistan, didn’t we?” Joe Biden, U.S. Vice President.
President Assad of Syria was the first to stand up and wave goodbye to the aquiline-visaged vulture:
Bye bye. Toodlidoo. Hasta La Vista. Arrivederci. A bien tot. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Dosvedanya. Khodaa-Haafez. Sayonara. Jajin. Khaloomoot Paaz. Go to %$#&^%$@#@#$$ing Hell, you slimy rat!